How to Communicate with Your Partner
Personal advice from a Communication Specialist.
As a Communication Specialist, I solve complex problems in workplace communities. Throughout the years, I’ve noticed a common theme, miscommunication. As my girlfriends complain about their partners, this theme emerges as the focal point of conflict.
I have been with my partner for almost five years. He is kind, honest, and adventurous. However, we grew up in two completely different regional cultures.
He is a white southern gentleman, and I am a Hispanic mid-western girl.
Our differences often caused tension at the beginning of our relationship, forcing us to think beyond ourselves to strengthen our relationship. Here is what we learned.
Discuss your expectations.
Often, humans think inside their worldview. And this is normal. It’s human nature to see the world through your own experience and it takes work to shift from an egocentric worldview. While this is common, it can create limited and toxic perceptions and judgments of other people.
In a relationship, a limited worldview can cause uncommunicated expectations because of assumed common experience. What this does is create distance between your needs and your partner’s needs.
How do you solve this? Ask targeted questions to learn more about your partner and their human experience.
- What was your family like growing up?
- What roles did your parents play in your life and your family?
- How big was your family?
- Who were your role models, and why?
- Were there times you felt scared or mistreated?
- What was a typical day/week in your life growing up?
- What was the most impactful event in your life?
- What were your hobbies, and how did they shape you?
- If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would it be and why?
These questions will help you start to learn how to see the world the way your partner does and vice-a-versa.
Set healthy boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries protects both yourself and your partner. Communication boundaries limit oversharing and emotional intimacy that is inappropriate without trust. There is a process necessary to build emotional intimacy that is safe.
Building an emotionally intimate relationship is a process that takes time and work, but it is one of the most rewarding aspects of life and well worth the effort. -Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D
Use communication as a tool to set boundaries and promote emotional intimacy. Here are a few phrases to help set communication boundaries and slowly build emotional intimacy through language.
- I’m not ready to share about that part of my experience, but I want to be. Can we take things a little slower?
- Thank you for trusting me with your story. When you talk about that part of your life, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Can we take things slower?
- I want to build trust and for both of us to feel safe. Here are some areas I’m not ready to share. Are there areas you don’t feel comfortable sharing.
Apologize when you hurt your partner.
There are going to be times when you hurt your partner’s feelings. It happens in all relationships. An essential component of effective communication is believing that the person you are communicating with is more important than your pride.
It’s ok to make mistakes if we learn from the impact those mistakes have on other people and ourselves.
Discuss how your relationship can grow. Here are some conversation starters.
- I’m sorry I hurt you. Can you explain what I said or did an how it made you feel so that I don’t do it again?
- I’m sorry I hurt you. Can you explain why that phrase is hurtful to you? I care about you and want to learn more about your experience.
- I’m sorry I hurt you. How can I make you feel valued and loved?
- I’m sorry I hurt you. I value you. What do you need?
- You hurt me when you broke my trust. This is how I can feel safe again.
These responses will start to heal conflict in a safe space where you and your partner can grow together. However, remember it’s ok to end a relationship if safety cannot be rebuilt.
There are some real and justifiable reasons why good people cannot seem to get past their relationship difficulties, no matter how much energy and time they have devoted to each other. — Randi Gunther Ph.D.
Value your partner more than the urge to be right.
It can be hard to fight the urge to be right, especially when you and your partner have different political and religious beliefs. Instead of pressing your ideas on your partner, learn from their experience.
Ask questions that help you understand your partner’s thought process.
- That’s interesting. Can you explain your perspective?
- I want to understand more about you. Can you tell me more about your experience?
- I care about you. While we may be different, I want to learn more about your worldview. Can you explain what experiences made you develop that opinion?
- I want us to learn together. Can we do some reading together on this topic?
Both people have to be open to learning and growing together. Openness is essential for effective long-term communication. Learning from each other’s experiences and differences will help you expand your worldviews, grow together, and discover if you want to further your relationship.
Be empathic.
Having empathy is a sign of emotional intelligence. When communicating, take notice of your partner’s body language to measure their response.
- Are they engaged?
- Are they looking in your eyes?
- Are they creating distance between you and themselves?
- What are their facial expressions indicating?
Observing how your partner reacts to the conversation will help you identify miscommunication. When in doubt, ask them how they feel and have empathy and respect for their feelings. Put yourself in their shoes to better understand their perspective. The more you get to know your partner, the more compassion you can develop for them.
Be honest.
My partner and I have a rule; to always be honest even when it hurts. We would rather hurt in the short-term than have an unauthentic relationship built out of fear.
Now, I’m not saying be cruel.
I am promoting that each person communicates their needs and desires within the safety of their relationship. Yes, this means no topics are off-limits. There should be a continued conversation about expectations too. When people grow, they change, which can cause expectations to grow and change. Keep the dialog open.
Here are some thought-provoking questions to help you start the conversation.
- I’ve noticed the distance between us. How can I bridge the gap?
- Lately, I haven’t been feeling sexually satisfied. Have you? I want to explore how to grow our physical intimacy.
- I care about you and your physical needs. Lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally disconnected. Can we explore emotional intimacy?
- I’ve noticed after you spend time with your friend, you feel bad about yourself. Can we explore some boundaries to keep you safe? How can I help?
Trust with your heart and with your mind.
Often miscommunication happens when one partner, or both, envision worse case scenarios developed from experience or trauma. Assuming what your partner is thinking or doing can cause false narratives to build in your relationship.
Both partners must trust with their hearts, meaning being emotionally open to love. They must also trust their partners with their minds, meaning being open to intellectual intimacy by asking their partner clarifying questions regarding intimacy.
Here are some helpful questions to help start the dialogue.
- I care about you, and I want you to know that my mind starts to think of the worst-case scenario when you are out late. Can we talk about ways we can both feel comfortable when you are out late?
- You are important to me, and I want to show you that I’m committed to you. How can I make you feel comfortable within our boundaries?
- I’m sorry I broke our trust. What can I do to help you feel more comfortable?
Communication is complex.
Human beings are multidimensional beings that continue to grow and change. These strategies for maximizing effective communication will give you a healthy start to developing a safe relationship.
