Loneliness Isn’t An Excuse to Date the Wrong Person
An ex messaged me recently a long text message out of nowhere. It would have been 8 am her time, 5 am my time.
We are friends and do keep in touch but I was surprised to wake up to a novel of messages from her. It’s not like her to randomly text me or text me a novel at 8 am in the morning.
She had developed feelings for her friend and roommate and needed someone to vent to about her frustration with the relationship. After getting vulnerable and sharing her feelings with the roommate, they decided to take it slow. Shortly after getting close, my ex discovered this girl was on some dating apps and was infuriated, in her words “ego bruised”.
My ex is lonely. She hasn’t been with anyone in an intimate perhaps maybe since we were together which if this is factually true could be over 5 years ago. In her words — she’s ready to meet her person and this experience was more a sign that perhaps she should keep working on herself despite her loneliness.
It got me thinking — loneliness can be a huge factor in what influences us to date someone we otherwise never would have considered an option before. It can also be a huge reason why we fall in love with the wrong person.
When you have been alone for a long time and haven’t met anyone or just the right person you can wonder if you will ever meet anyone. Watching your friends get married, start families or just find the “one” can make you ask the question — “When am I going to meet my person?”
So when someone comes along who shows some interest in you and there is a connection it can instantly get your hopes up that maybe this is someone you could spend time or your life with.
A few months or years later you realize you’ve settled for someone that ultimately is not the right person for you. Maybe you ignored the warning signs like I did several times in my life — I was craving a partner so bad I dismissed the huge red flags because they seemed like a good person in other ways.
Inherently someone could be a good person who makes a lot of bad choices and has a lot of bad habits. You can have some good qualities but make a horrible partner.
If you find yourself confused about someone, ask yourself the question “Does this person feel like a good partner to start a relationship with?”
If you don’t trust your judgment talk to a good person in your life, do research on what to look for in a partner and ultimately trust your intuition.
I think ultimately if you try dating someone and it constantly feels like you are struggling to find common ground you may want to reconsider if the relationship is worth your time.
A friend recently shared with me she is finding the courage to leave a relationship with a man she shares a child with because the more she spends time around him the more unhappy she feels.
The wrong person is someone who may be:
- Emotionally unavailable or confusing to date
- Out of integrity and breaks their word to you without trying to fix it
- Drains you of your time and energy
- Doesn’t respect your boundaries or needs
- Makes it all about them and their needs
- You don’t share a common core value system
- You can’t be good friends to each other
- Constant communication breakdowns without efforts to improve
Ultimately you know the answer but it comes down to one thing — do you trust yourself?
Look at core values and communication in the relationship. Can you have sustainable healthy conversations? Can you talk like friends? Can you repair things after disagreements?
We sometimes get stuck in these wrong relationships because we don’t have faith or believe that we will ever meet someone again. Other broken thought processes could be you have given up on the idea that a healthy relationship can exist or that the right person is out there for you.
If you find you are having these thoughts be a good friend to yourself and remind yourself you do deserve more and that it’s okay to walk away.
Your self-worth is worth more than staying in the wrong relationship.