Test Your Assertiveness Quotient

Do you know what assertive behavior is?

Photo by Thao Le Hoang on Unsplash

Read these scenarios and see if you can identify the assertive response for each one of them.

A) You’re a waiter at a restaurant and you see one of the other waiters pocket your tip. Do you

1. catch him outside and threaten to rearrange his face if you ever see him do it again
2. keep your mouth shut. After all it’s probably only happened once.
3. tell the boss that your colleague has a particularly contagious form of herpes.
4. mention to him that your mother has terminal cancer and you don’t know how you’re going to pay for the operation, but you’ve been thinking of selling your blood for some extra money.
5. tell him that you saw him do it and you want the money back.

B) You have a friendly, jokey relationship with a slightly older guy at work. He’s married and has a family including a newborn, so you never worry about him getting the wrong idea. One day when you’re joking around he slaps you on the bottom. Do you:

1. go straight down to HR and demand that he be fired.
2. tell him that you didn’t like it.
3. ignore it, he didn’t mean anything by it.
4. don’t mention it directly, but start making snide remarks about what a bunch of handsy horndogs all men are.
5. tell all your friends at work and get everybody whisper and giggle whenever he walks into a room.

C) Every time your parents call they nag you to get married, even though you are still in the middle of getting your degree. Do you:

1. stop answering the phone when their number comes up.
2. rat out a sibling in order to transfer the attention away from you.
3. tell them you prefer to talk about something else and then change the subject
4. tell them you have decided never to marry, for some reason that will especially hurt them
5. say “uh-huh” a lot and hope they change the subject.

D) Your driving teacher keeps calling you sweetie and lovey. And it’s not cosy, it’s creepy. Do you:

1. switch to a different driving school.
2. hit the accelerator and then the brake really hard every time it happens.
3. calmly say “my name is Xena Warrior Princess” (or whatever name you want to be called) every time it happens.
4. stop the car in the middle of the road and start sobbing uncontrollably because it triggers a kindergarten memory of a teacher who couldn’t remember your name, then make the driving instructor drive you home mid-lesson because you’re too upset to drive anymore.
5. do it back, but in a really sarcastic tone.

E) You are a short woman with a naturally soft voice and people tend to talk over you at meetings. Do you

1. interrupt them back and say “I’d like to finish my sentence please.”
2. pound the table and shout. (Just kidding, if you could do that you wouldn’t have this problem. Though you might be a problem.)
3. get someone loud and aggressive to run interference for you.
4. just give up. You can’t win with that crowd.
5. sabotage the meeting by complaining to your neighbor about how it’s too long and doesn’t get anywhere and just wastes everyone’s time.

Scroll down to the bottom to get the answers.

So what is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is asking for what you want and setting boundaries in a way that preserves respect for yourself and others.

Simple. But not always easy. Everybody has their own challenges when it comes to asking for things and saying no. Everybody has their own voice. Some people can ask for love but not money. And vice versa. Some people can say no to their boss no matter how rude and insensitive he/she is, but their sweet little grandma can wheedle them into anything with her soft voice. Sometimes assertiveness isn’t about standing up to a jerk, it’s about standing up to your best friend who wants you to co-host a sexy knickers party.

Did you notice that the assertiveness answers are all rather boring? One of the features of assertiveness is absence of drama. Some other features of assertiveness are:

• Honesty
• Reserve
• Politeness
• Dignity
• Respect
• Self-respect

What is assertiveness not?

Here are the behavior types that aren’t assertive. You may recognize a connection between these and the test answers. Do you lean toward one of these?

Aggressiveness

This includes abuse, criticism, sarcasm, shouting, name-calling, insults, physical threats, violence, and some kinds of threats such as blackmail, public shaming, and public embarrassment. Also, trying to get someone mobbed by a crowd (online or offline, but especially IRL), or threatening their livelihood. If you’re doing these things, your behavior isn’t assertive, it’s aggressive.

Passiveness

You don’t speak up. Sometimes you don’t know how — that’s something you can learn. Another possible reason is fear, either of conflict or of losing something you need. Maybe you need to build up your courage. And sometimes it’s just laziness and apathy: it’s too much work, you shouldn’t have to speak up, or getting your way simply isn’t worth the trouble, and you don’t care that much.

Passive-aggressiveness

This includes complaining, sulking, whining, gossiping, destructive “accidents,” and withholding responses like smiles or eye contact. Have you ever gotten the silent treatment from someone? That’s passive-aggressive behavior. Do you know someone who makes snide little jokes and then says he’s just kidding? Again, passive-aggressive. This is how people behave when they themselves are afraid of open conflict, but still want to express their anger or competitiveness.

Manipulativeness

It looks similar to passive-aggressiveness, and there is overlap. Manipulative people may be polite, charming, superficially respectful, seductive, funny, helpful. But they have a hidden agenda. They aren’t being honest. Honesty may not always be the best policy, but it is fundamental to the definition of assertiveness.

If you were a little confused about the other behaviors described in the test questions, go back and see if you can match them up to these definitions. I put one of each in each test question.

Mirror mirror on the wall…

We have a hard time — a really, really hard time — seeing ourselves as others see us. One problem we have with assertiveness is that we mix it up with the other types of behavior. For example, we think we are being aggressive when we are being assertive. And vice versa. Research supports this.

I’ve had a lot of students — and friends and relatives — who truly believe that saying no is aggressive and rude. It certainly is challenging and painful sometimes, to deal with people’s feelings — and behavior — when you say no, set boundaries, stand up for yourself. Especially if others are used to you being different. People can be extremely offended by change. Does that mean you shouldn’t do it? Are you responsible for keeping everyone but yourself comfortable and happy?

Also, some cultures or subcultures (and this can include family cultures) strongly discourage directness, and in those cultures people fear that they terribly rude when they ask for something or say “no.” Saying “no” seems like a firing offence, and sometimes it could be, though probably not as often as people think. Those people will have a lifetime of balancing their need to be polite and socially acceptable against their other wants and needs. (This can lead to wonderful diplomacy skills.) Even within that context, you can improve your success rate with assertiveness techniques and strategies.

If there’s no complaint, there’s no problem, right?

But why bother? Non-assertive behavior has payoffs, after all. Bullies and manipulators get their way a lot, or enough anyway. Passive-aggressives get their revenge. Passive people avoid conflict, and if they want that more than they want anything else, that’s their business.

So why be assertive? In my next article I will write about some reasons to consider a different approach to getting what you want out of life. In the meantime, ponder what your payoff is when you aren’t assertive.

This is the second in a series of articles about finding your strong, true voice through assertiveness.

Correct answers — these are the only assertive behaviors in the test questions: A)5, B)2, C)3, D)3, E)1