The 4 Most Powerful Words in the English Language
I believe in you.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say those words again.” I stated firmly in response to my daughter yelling, “I can’t do it!” as the basketball clanked off the bottom of the rim for the tenth time in a row. She continued, “My left hand is just not working. I don’t want to do this anymore,” as tears began to stream down her cheeks as they swelled from sadness and exasperation. She was struggling to finish a reverse layup with her left hand as we worked on some basketball drills and was clearly getting frustrated.
“Let’s take a break,” I said as a grabbed a water bottle and sat down next to her on the grass next to the driveway. “Here, have some water and take a minute to relax,” I added, handing her a small towel. I was working her pretty hard as I often did, and she was feeling unmotivated due to the repeated failure.
“Look, I know you are frustrated with what’s happening, and I know you are frustrated with me.” She nodded in agreement as she wiped her sweaty face. “I also know that you don’t want some lecture on practice making perfect or putting in the work will pay off in games.” She smirked with a slight roll of her eyes as she knew that was my usual go-to in this situation. I smiled in return as any proud father would, even at this moment. And then, in a calm yet confident voice, I said to her, “I believe in you.” as I got up and went into the house.
It was like dropping the mic and walking off the stage. There was no more to be said at that moment. I had spoken the four most powerful words in the English language, and I had given them to my daughter in a prime moment of vulnerability for both of us. For her, it was a time of uncertainty in her basketball skills, athletic ability, and belief in whether she was going to make the team. For me, it was the unknown of whether I had provided her the necessary tools to be successful, given her the right environment to thrive, and set her up for success.
All that from those four little words? Yes, all that and so much more. I believe in you told my daughter that no matter what she felt about herself, what others thought of her, or whatever the outcome, I believed in her. It gave her the freedom to do her best without worrying about what would come next. Those four words told her that she could just be herself and have fun.
More importantly, they showed her that it was ok to believe in herself at that exact moment in time when things were not going well. They said it’s ok to make mistakes and not be perfect. Most importantly, they told her that it’s ok to fail.
Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers. It teaches us all the wrong ways, so we don’t make the same mistakes again and again. It shows us that there is a better way. Put simply, it teaches us how “not” to do things.
Many parents believe, and wrongly so that they need to shelter their children and protect them from failing as it will cause them “too much pain.” Parents say things like “I don’t want my baby to get hurt” or “I don’t want them to make the same mistakes I made.”
Trust me, I have said these things too and made this mistake many times over. It wasn’t until I read the book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by renowned Stanford psychologist Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., that I changed my whole approach. Dr. Dweck has spent over thirty years studying the power of mindset and how success in almost every human endeavor can be dramatically influenced by how we think about our talents and abilities. Her research showed that people with a fixed mindset — those who believe that abilities are fixed — are less likely to flourish than those with a growth mindset — those who believe that abilities can be developed.
In this book, I learned that every word or action could send a message to our children about how they should think about themselves. When we shelter our children by not letting them fail or “protect them,” we unknowingly set them up for a far more challenging road. Not being honest with them about their abilities can have a detrimental effect on their development.
Let’s bring it back to my daughter’s situation. I could have acknowledged her frustration with something like, “It’s ok. You’ll get it next time.” Sounds supportive and innocent enough, but what happens when she doesn’t get it the next time? How does she feel about herself, her abilities, and how I feel about her then? That innocent comment could set her up for even greater frustration.
A better option would be something like, “Keep working on it by using your fundamentals, and you’ll get it.” A supportive statement like this appreciates the growth-oriented process — what she accomplishes through practice, persistence, and good strategy. It also tells her that failing is only temporary. It is the critical path that leads to eventual success.
Pair this with “I believe in you,” and you have a powerful combination that will put your child in an optimal mindset for success.
I believe in you is the “glue” that will make your other supportive comments stick, the added bonus, and the cherry on top of the success sundae. And this is not just in parenting but in all types of situations where you want to show someone that you know they have what it takes to succeed.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a co-worker or a complete stranger. The effects will be similar. Here are a few examples of variations from everyday life you can try on your own.
· To the hostess who says they don’t have any more tables- “I believe in your ability to find us a table.”
· To your co-worker who says they cannot finish the assignment on time- “I believe you have the skills to accomplish the task, and I support you.”
· To the receptionist at the Dr’s office who says they are booked- “I know you’ll figure out a way to get me scheduled. I believe in you.”
· To your wife, who has just burned dinner, again- “I know you’re working hard on improving your cooking. I believe in you.”
Once you add these powerful words to your verbal arsenal, you’ll experience profound and positive effects that will impact others and yourself.
As for my daughter, she kept working on the reverse layups on her own long after I had gone inside. When I eventually came back outside as it was getting dark, she proudly showed me her left-handed reverse layup along with a few new moves of her own. I guess the power of I believe in you had transcended above and beyond what I had hoped for.
Be sure not to miss my next feature on The 3 Most Powerful Words in the English Language.
You can also check out the first feature in the series, The 5 Most Powerful Words in the English Language.
Rick Ornelas is the author of 12 Hours of Heaven: Lessons for a Better World. He coaches individuals (like parents) to ultimate success in life and brings together those who seek to make the world a better place. Schedule a free coaching consultation at isparkchange.com.
Also published in The Good Men Project
