Are you playing the victim? Here’s how to recognize it.
How much time do you spend complaining?
“You are not the victim of the world you see because you invented it” (A Course in Miracles)
Quite often I’ve seen people, groups and organizations getting stuck into the victim mode.
It’s the habit of spending a disproportionate amount of time on complaining or even simply thinking on how unfairly we are being treated by people, organizations, institutions, society, divinities, destiny, luck, karma… you name it. I guess you know what I’m talking about.
Other symptoms include: perceiving threats everywhere, reacting as if these threats were real, feeling unlucky, not respected, unheard. Sometimes this attitude manifests itself as disguised arrogance: -whoever is not part of my group is an idiot- sort of thinking.
Granted, there are indeed circumstances in which we have all the rights to feel victims. When our basic rights are not being respected, we certainly need access to a safe emotional harbor to be able to reach-out, speak up, feel cared for and understood.
Today though I wanna spend few minutes focusing on day-to-day situations that do not threaten our physical or psychological integrity.
As many other attitudes, the role of the victim conceals some subtle elements that are quire hard to detect in ourselves.
- We don’t realize how much time and energies we are spending in self-pity, complaint and self-defense.
- We can observe this behavior in others but not in ourselves.
In nutshell, we are playing the victim and we are not aware of it. Why?Because… Come on! We’re doing our best! We’re doing the right thing!
We think by default that, if something doesn’t work, it must be someone else’s fault. A former colleague of mine used to say: “This is totally out of control”, implying on his side everything was under control. Yeah, right.
Once, a few years ago, I went to my manager complaining on how someone from a different organization took a decision which would have negatively impacted our factory. He asked me a very simple question: “Did you talk to him?”. In a sparkle of light, I realized I was playing the victim. I was embarrassed. Indeed, I started to feel attacked before even trying to understand, let alone, taking action.
I recommend you to start observing if you exhibit consistently any of the symptoms described above.
For example, in the evening, take a few minutes to think about the interactions you’ve had during the day: how many times did I complain today? How often did I point fingers or implied others are not doing their job?
Even better, you can ask feedback from someone you trust. Just ask something as simple as: “Hey, can you give me a honest answer? Am I complaining too much? Am I playing the victim’s role too often?”.
If, after your self-observation or the feedback, you realize that you often fit into the profile of the victim, here are some great news for you: now that you know it, you can start changing. How?
- Catch yourself when you’re displaying one of the above traits (or ask someone to keep an eye on you) and make the conscious decision of turning your attention to something positive. Don’t wait, do it immediately. Focus on anything cool that has happened today or will happen later. Be grateful for something you’ve learned. Write it down.
The trick is to transform the negative energy of feeling threatened into peaceful or even creative thinking. - When you feel attacked or victimized, take action before you start making judgement or venting out. Try first to understand the reason, the background, the conditions of the source of your feelings (be it either individuals or situations/circumstances). Consider asking questions directly instead of assuming bad intentions.
- Think of what a terrible day or tough period others might be having if they indeed keep questioning you or attacking you. See them as help-seekers and not as jerks. Change the paradigm of your interaction by offering support instead of defending yourself or counterattacking.
Try and see what happens. You might be surprised.
To conclude, I go back to where I started, with one addition:
You are not the victim of the world you see because you invented it. You can give it up as easily as you made it up. (A Course in Miracles)
What this says is that we are ultimately responsible for the way we perceive the world. That perception though, can be changed. And that is our responsibility.
Don’t be the victim. Re-frame the context: it’s one thought away.
Vale
If you enjoyed reading this article, make it visible to others and recommend it by clicking on the ❤ button below. Here is my previous article:”Someone’s got to be the damned hero. Why not you?”. Follow me on Medium, Facebook or Twitter.
