PLAN Z vs. Spontaneity
To be prepared or not to be prepared…
„Do you really have to be prepared for everything that is coming?”
My answer to this question varied on a large scale as time passed, and I might still not have the perfect answer that fits into each and every situation and in all circumstances. But I would like to share with you the story — my story — how I found my own answer to this tricky question.
As a little girl, I didn’t plan anything in advance, everything just happened as it had to be, without any special preparation or planning. And I was more than content with how it all worked out, I didn’t have any worries on „whys” and short term or long term impacts of my actions. All I cared about was enjoying the moment, as it was.
At least up until I turned 6 years old, when I started my promising school career. The change happened right there, among 21 optimistic and naive children, destined to be educated in a prominent and elite institution. But optimism and naivety disappeared quickly when I got my first homework and when the teacher asked me for a repetition in front of the whole class for the very first time.
I can still revive the unpleasant memories of those awkward minutes — which indeed seemed hours at the blackboard — when I was asked, and could not answer: I was not prepared.
All my class mates staring at me, the teacher waiting for the answer and forcing a smile on her wrinkled face, noting the obvious fact, that I did not prepare. I decided at that very moment that never in my entire life this would happen again. I would prepare for each repetition and test, no matter what it takes, I do everything to avoid public humiliation.
And it indeed worked perfectly for many years in elementary school, in high school and at university. But due to the fact, that I was involved in more and more complex and diverse situations than just a school test (first love — first break up, first job interview, first boss, first colleagues, first disputes, first child…), I faced again some challenges. I could still answer all the questions, but spent endless hours analyzing them afterwards.
“What could I have said differently?Why should I have had a smarter reaction?
The perfect answers came only after the conversations, when it was already too late to fix things or change the unfavorable first impression. I realized that I had to be even more prepared, and „being prepared” got a completely new sense with deeper and wider content. Having only plan A and plan B felt like doing bungee jumping without a lifeline above the Niagara Falls. It felt completely insane and frustrating in the same time. The urge of having as many alternate plans covering all possible outcomes became a number one priority, right at the bottom of the memorable pyramid of Maslow.
So it became obvious for me, that I had to create Plan C, Plan D, Plan E, Plan F and a lot more up until Plan Z, to make sure that I was prepared to everything what might come up either in a personal or a professional conversation.
It was like planning a complex chess game: I evaluated the situation, calculated with all possible steps from both sides and the related and estimated impact. I created the tactics, the phrases, answered all questions in advance, and made 150% sure, that I could not be surprised. I even had a strategy how to react if I cannot react, and how to stay calm and pretend that I was not at all disturbed by any unexpected question and show off as an expert in whatever topic.
I spent years with practicing and evolving this tactic, and it seemed to be a super successful one. From the outside, I was a self-confident creature who had the right answer for every question in all situations. And I even managed to convince myself that I was smart enough to handle every situation, or at least to pretend it, and always find a way out, as a winner or at least without loss. That is how I became an actress worth for the Academy Award. And I could just simply end the story of success here, right at this point, if it was a story of true success.
But I would be a liar, as there is something important, that I have not calculated with, the less attractive side effects of this role play. My tactic was evolved to a close to perfect stage, but on the other hand conversations became dull, and I felt like an outsider in my own life. As I already knew every possible outcome, I was not at all interested in the discussions anymore, they did not reach my stimulus threshold.
I started to play a role, which kept me in my own prison. A prison, for which the bars were made of different plans… all created by me.
The whole game became a burden, that kept me in an impulse-less state, and I was simply vegetating in my own so called „life”. Playing my role, being perfect, and still restless…inside. By creating all these plans I have lost an essential part of myself:
The Me, who can react on different situations based on gut feelings. The Me, who can simply enjoy the now without worrying on what will happen next. The Me, who is spontaneous and flexible, and last and most importantly the Me, who can just simply be happy.
The other Me, who I became, was a stranger, a well designed prototype of an android in a futuristic dream: perfect reaction with perfect timing and perfect content.
And if I am completely honest, it was rather scary than admirable. Luckily, the dream, or we can even call it on it’s name, the nightmare, ended and I woke up. It took me years, very long ones, to open my eyes, and realize that actually I was living in my worst nightmare. And here you might expect a magnificent story of an accident, a serious disease, death of my close relative or any other life-changing cathartic event that woke me up finally and that helped me to re-evaluate how and what I was thinking about planning and it’s priority. But I have to disappoint you, as the reality is much more prosaic: I did not have such a significant event in my life, but I received the greatest gift that I could have asked for: time.
Or to be more precise: time to do „nothing”.
In all my life I was multitasking heavily and I was balancing on the sharp edge of work-life balance, cutting myself several times. I used every second of my time to do something that I thought was useful and effective. There was no place for self-reflection in this.
And when I reached the peak of unhappiness, a combination of trivial changes in my life resulted in a significant increase of the my “free time”, from a maximum 2 minutes per day up to (drum roll)… 2 hours!
When I found myself in this completely new situation, I felt like a „time-millionaire”, with actual free space for myself just to… just to… I don’t know what, perhaps simply to think and relax. Well, I was shocked. I was always looking for immediate benefit for any of my actions… there was no room in this for self-reflection and inner-life care. But after the first shock I realized that now I got the chance to think over everything, start working on radical changes and do things I love doing… in other words I can work towards a more fulfilling life.
And that was the point, when I got struck by the realization that I was spending my precious and limited time thinking about different scenarios that might not even happen. I was simply wasting my time (there is no better expression for it.) with creating plan C … L … Z. It was the wake-up call.
And when I finally woke up, it felt like taking my first breath after spending endless minutes under water, close to drowning in the cold ocean. I was relieved as I reached the ground. I learnt to live the now, I learnt to let it go and I am learning how to say goodbye to perfectionism in the meantime. I realized, that plan A is completely enough in almost every situation, as experience, knowledge and my reliable gut feeling will enable me to come up with spontaneous alternates, that work even better than a well prepared plan Z.
And guess what? The world still goes on, like it did before. But it goes now with me on board and I am not running after it, actually I am participating in it. The real Me, who learnt to appreciate spontaneity, and realized that time is the most valuable gift, and therefore it has to be spent only on those things which bring real benefit. And not necessarily immediately.
