Respond With Compassion… Even When It’s Hard

“Compassion is to look beyond your own pain, to see the pain of others.” — Yasmin Mogahed

Two years ago, I bought a small flat in the center of Budapest with the idea to make it an Airbnb. It was actually working pretty well… until it all collapsed last year as COVID smashed tourism pretty much everywhere in the world. As a result, I quickly turned it into a long-term rental type of asset.

As the former rentees moved out recently, and a new one was just about the come in, I wanted to make the place sparkle for the newcomer. So last week on Monday, Emma, the lovely lady that biweekly cleans my apartment and occasionally babysits my daughter, went there to perform a ’big cleaning.’

Emma and I met there early at 8 o’clock the morning, and I explained to her what I thought had to be done, then went back to my place to work. I left her with „please call when you’re about 30 minutes from finishing here.”

Emma calls me around noon, and she is very agitated.

“The man from the floor below was very rude to me! He said I’m drunk! I was only cleaning the windows from the spider webs, and he started to complain that they were going down into his property… I mean, spider webs! How is that even possible? He sprayed water up the window with the waterpipe! It could have gone on the furniture, but thankfully, it didn’t.”

Oh no―I thought―this is the very last thing I need today.

“Can you carry on working peacefully, or shall I come over?” — I ask, ready for anything.

“No, it’s ok now; I’ll be fine.”

I am enraged, I contemplate going there immediately, and for a few seconds, I even think I could become physical if needed. But then I pause and say to myself:

“Wait, Vale, to begin with, you don’t know the context well enough, and second, remember what your master, Marshall Rosenberg, says? Anger is the tragic expression of unmet needs.”

I calm down and decide that I will go there only in the end and won’t proactively look for the man. At the same time, I commit to myself that, may I meet him, I will start from a place of compassion.

Two hours later, I am on my way to the flat, as initially planned. When I get there, Emma seems fine, and sure enough, in the very moment I look down the ’infamous’ windows, the man comes out. My heart is pounding in my chest, and it reminds me of the sound of a tennis ball on the court… served by Roger Federer. I hate conflicts.

„Good day! I’ve heard there was a prob…”

I can’t even finish my first sentence, and off he goes. I’m in distress, as the man speaks with an aggressive tone and in Hungarian, a language I can mostly understand, but that certainly takes me out of my comfort zone. After a long monologue, I try to step in, but he immediately stops me: “I want to finish.” — he says.

I take a deep breath and continue listening. I’m now making a conscious choice NOT to react and simply try to listen to his needs, whether explicitly expressed or not.

He then explains how much the water coming down from the airconditioning equipment of another tenant keeps bothering him, that there are rules in the house, that my windows are not compliant with those rules and he had already told the previous owner, and probably a bunch of other things that I lose track of.

Quite frankly, I still believe his reaction towards Emma was exaggerated, but I KNOW I’m not going to achieve anything if I fight. To make it worse, Emma shows up from the other window and starts arguing with him.

„Please let me handle this, ok?” — I say politely, and she pulls back.

I know this man from a prior tenants’ meeting, and I am not new to his attitude. I found him very irritating the first time too. But here’s the catch: this is now on me not to give this person the power to irritate me. It’s also an excellent opportunity to acknowledge that he might have a challenging inner life, as he sees threats and reasons to be upset in so many different trivial things.

The only reasonable thing to do is to gain back my inner peace and respond calmly. So I turn back to the man and, politely, I say: „Emma is completely new to the condominium; I’m sorry if she caused any trouble unintentionally and that I’m happy to have cooperative conversations with you in the future, on any issue.”

He cools off and says, „That’ll work, then”

We part ways peacefully.

I tell you, this wasn’t easy. It’s never easy when people resort to aggressive behaviors, even if the aggression is just in the tone of their voice or in the choice of hurtful words. But it’s only in these apparently trivial situations that we can stretch our spiritual muscles and stop to reflect on how to respond intentionally and with purpose. Eye for an eye is NOT a socially sustainable response, and it only ends up making us all blind.

This man wanted to be heard (“let me finish”), needed order (“the are rules here”), cleanliness (“any sort of dirt came down to my yard”), and cooperation. Yes, the way he chose to express or defend those needs is questionable. But still, that’s the best he could do. Likely, in his perception of the world, he needs to fight with people and circumstances to get those needs met. That seems quite sad to me.

In situations like this, the difficult and yet powerful response is compassion. The word compassion comes from the Latin verb “cumpati,” which translates into “to suffer with” (cum = with, pati = to suffer). In other words, it’s to empathize with those who suffer.

But let’s be honest: it’s somewhat easier to be compassionate with those we love, those that belong to our circle, or those whose suffering we regularly witness, hands-on. But what about the obnoxious neighbor, the unkind waiter, or anybody else that challenges our inner state, anybody we call ’jerk’ or ’idiot’? That’s the hard piece, isn’t it?

Responding with compassion doesn’t mean accepting what we don’t like or what doesn’t meet our needs; it rather entails acknowledging that others might do what they do or think what they think BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW ANY BETTER.

I still have a lot to learn in this space, but I am committed to taking all the opportunities that life offers me to practice empathy and kindness, even when it seems totally counterintuitive.

I believe that our best chance to foster change is to lead by example and be compassionate when it’s hard, get to a place of inner acceptance of the situation and THEN communicate what we feel, need, and want.

Next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, particularly if the other person seems unreasonable or self-centered, I encourage you to make an effort to see the suffering behind those behaviors.

Seek the needs that this person is trying to meet, acknowledge them, and empathize, even if it’s hard.

Who knows, one day you might turn a foe into a friend.

Vale

Valeriano Donzelli (Vale) loves to teach Leadership and Communication Skills using Storytelling and Nonviolent Communication. He believes that by changing the fundamentals of leadership and communication, we can create a world where compassion, service, sustainability, and purpose will allow everyone to thrive.
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