Fighting The Hard Battles

Happiers! I’ve got a lot to say here. So get ready for a long speech. Yesterday’s appointment with Tamara (case manager from CMHA) didn’t go exactly the way I thought it would. But I do know even though I didn’t remind my mom that Tamara would be at home from 12–1pm yesterday so that she could go to grandma’s for lunch so that her lunch wouldn’t cause her more stress (more than her work gives her), but I’m glad both my dad and my mom were there so that Tamara could see the problem when me and my parents have arguments. And for part of the appointment I was not being so responsible and a mature adult: basically from my parents point of view was me blaming them and me not doing anything to fix/improve myself in any and all areas that need work.

I don’t know but I have a feeling that I won’t be fully ready to go out on a real date with someone special until I’ve matured at least at a certain level. To an extent where I’m at peace and so are my parents. From the way that I see and understand what was expressed in the appointment was that I’m the only one that can take responsibility for myself and do what I need and have to do to improve and better myself to be a fully mature and responsible adult and human being and citizen of society to go and experience more like dating someone special. The other fact that stands here on my belief of what I’m explaining here on what I see is that I haven’t been taking enough responsibility and maturity to be viewed as a mature and responsible adult and citizen.

I have come to discover and come with acceptance and full responsibility that through all the arguments that I have with my parents, I find myself so focused on trying to be understood, I forget to try to be more understanding for my parents on what they are trying to tell me and get me to change with so that I can progress on the level of maturity and responsibility and become that type of person that all parents want their kids to become by a certain age.

Anyway, later in the appointment, I stopped myself from saying things that say that I’m blaming them or me trying to be understood of what I know is true and that is the truth because I know it is (and yeah there may be some points of truth that I haven’t yet seen or discovered yet but one thing I gotta say here is that I’m grateful for this appointment because it has helped me work on myself right now to start on my continued journey with recovery but turning to the road called: maturity and responsibility.

So that I can hopefully express and show some small or big amount of progress and success in me becoming more mature and responsible for myself with my life for when my family birthday party this Saturday arrives. Anyway, I have more to share that has become aware and very clear to me. I gotta go do some browsing at the Toronto Premium Outlet mall with my grandma to show her what I want for my birthday. I’ll report back with more when I return!

Happiers! I’m back, and I’m here to continue where I left off earlier. Before I add on from where I left off, I wanna share what I talked with my grandma about outside my parents house after our shopping trip. She asked me how I was feeling and I said I’m good. But then a few tears came down my face and then she said that I wasn’t being fully honest. And so I explained to her about the appointment with my parents and Tamara. I explained about how I’m not being as mature and responsible for example doing house chores without my parents having to make it a full time job to get me to do until I learn to do so on my own initiative.

And I explained that my parents have said to me that I’ve said “I will” but hasn’t heard me say “I did” and have proof to believe so. Same thing with I’ll change and yet she hasn’t seen that. But I know and I know you all know I’ve changed a lot in the course of 5 years being a part of this community. With all that I’ve shared here in that 5 year period; I’ve overcome, achieved, and accomplished a lot especially with my mental health recovery. Speaking up to seek help takes a lot of guts, strength, and courage to do so. And it doesn’t get recognized nearly enough in our whole society. Anyway, my parents say that if I don’t do what they want me to do 100%, that its not good enough for them.

Even if I get any small amount of success and progress in that something, it’s just never good enough for them. And they don’t see any real logical reason to give me grace for something that isn’t 100%. And it really sucks 150%. And it sucks how throughout the 2.5 years being in recovery, I didn’t have them for the kind of support that I needed in that whole period. I didn’t have them for that kind of support which made it hard for me to not share things for example little and big accomplishments I’ve made with my mental health recovery. When I achieved something small during the 8 months I was using the therapy from Kristin (ADHD life coach), she gave me grace for it, she’s the only one who has for something that small aside from all of you who I so greatly appreciate 150%!

Since that ended, at some point after that, (a few or so months later) I decided since I don’t have her for support and to receive that kind of grace from, I gotta work on giving myself grace for these kinds of things since I knew and still know at this point that my parents aren’t at that point where they know and can give me grace for these small things and appear to society as too small and unworthy to be given grace for. And it was so hard even during all the times that my parents were in previous arguments, they would so easily every time, take away my self worth (which they use all the time. It was so hard to not let that have power over me. You know that quote: “what you give power to, has power over you”). And my parents think that all the quotes I quote on Facebook and quote in person is just a bunch of crap because they don’t see me follow and yet live by them.

I don’t take the action to live up to and be impacted by the quotes. And believe me (which I know you all do) there are many quotes that I’ve quoted in the past which I have followed and do my best to continue following them and give myself grace for my effort, hard work and everything else. It’s just a lot for me to take in and not break down emotionally. I’ve been feeling so sensitive, emotional, emotionally drained, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted by all this crap that my parents put on me. They don’t realize that I’m doing everything that I can and responding the way they have in the past (and every time) only makes it harder for me. And them saying to not feel sorry for myself is just wrong and unfair. And I know that life is unfair and I don’t always get what I want particularly the way I want to, but I do know that I get the things I want just the hard way like it’s supposed to be.

And I know that I also get what I need if I don’t get what I want. And since Day 1 of my mental health recovery (April 25th, 2015) I started learning, accepting, adapting and moving forward with the fact that life isn’t easy and that I gotta work hard for what I want. And my parents have said this many times (enough) that has really annoyed me. Knowing that if I say that I know life isn’t easy and isn’t fair, it will just make things worse. They have actually said that I say that but I don’t know that life is hard.

One day down this road that I’m on, they will eventually see all that they were so blind and busy trying to be understood all the time and see what I was going through, how I was being honest, truthful and wise with all that I’ve said in the past but they were busy being too stubborn, ignorant and blind to the reality that I was trying to get them to see. One song this reminds me of is by Anna Sophia Robb from Bridge To Terribithia, called: Keep Your Mind Wide Open. I’ve been through a lot of crap, pain, trauma and fights with my parents and with my sister and one day I know (that really, actually exists) where my parents see all that they were missing, where they were wrong and what they weren’t hearing and seeing from me.

And that will take quite some more time but I do know that it will be worthwhile no matter how much more I’ll be put through or what I have to go through until that day with peace of mind arrives. But until then I gotta focus on the 24 hours that’s right in front of me and work on what has been brought to my attention. Being a more mature, responsible and confident young women, daughter, human being, and citizen of society. That’s something that an emotionally intelligent person would say. And that is some comment in which I received from Tamara the day we put Franka down.

Anyway, for a couple other issues I wanna cover, check back for more in the next couple weeks. There will be a lot more that I have to get off my chest. Which believe me, I thought at first I had a lot of weight I’ve been carrying over the years, but I’ve been actually brought to awareness as of last week in my appointment with Tamara that I’ve been carrying a whole lot more than I first thought. When that day comes, I can’t wait to feel both at peace with all this stuff and a whole lot lighter with this off my shoulders.

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