It’s My Life

Part 3 of “It’s My Life”

Well as the previous two parts I’ve made labeled: It’s My Life, I’m here today to talk about more in dept and new issues and facts that I’d like to talk about and get out of my system.

To start off, I would like to talk a bit about my past first. The things and events that have happened in my past are in the past. And from time to time, I find myself struggling to keep it behind me and to put my best foot forward in the present moment. And other moments I find myself struggling to work on improving myself when old habits and thinking patterns from the past repeat.

I have found that I do struggle a lot and lately since the beginning of the school year with my sister living in a dorm with 5 other girls in Barrie at Georgian College to study dental assisting, losing Franka (my lovely, cuddly, companion: cat), to all that I’ve been experiencing lately with my mental health, I never thought that I’d actually have it this bad. And with the possible outcome/belief that I may actually be suffering with PTSD (feeling like a 90% chance); it’s been super hard for me to do all that I can to complete the work necessary to get the outcome/statement from Dr. Kao.

After sending and receiving an email from Dr. Kao’s office, finding out that Dr. Kao isn’t available a lot until my current appointment: December 28th. And with what Dr. Cherla sent in an email regarding me doing work on a diagnosis for PTSD, I’m struggling and in need of help on how to go about it (sooner the better) about what’s been going on with my mental health lately. And Dr. Cherla’s email is as follows below:

HI Laura,

I’m happy to speak to your parents based on what you’ve told me. But given DR. Kao is taking the lead I would speak to him about how he wants to handle this as well.

Also, it would be helpful to meet with a psychologist to clarify your symptoms and confirm post traumatic stress. I just want to be fully informed before talking with your family.

K

And with what he said earlier saying: “Hi Laura, I’m happy to meet with in person or to speak by phone. Just set up an appt. As far as missing work and needing a note I will support you but my concern is how your work will view it. If its a recurrent, ongoing issue, perhaps you need more time off? I dont know if your eligible for short term disability? Are you seeing a psychologist at this time? – Kiran”.

I’m thinking that since I first read that email, I was thinking that I was starting to believe that with how my mental health has been lately, I believe that I most likely need some time off. But unsure if I’m eligible for short term disability like Dr. Cherla said. And to state here also, I’m not currently seeing a psychologist but believe that it would be necessary as his belief from his education that it would help to clarify symptoms and confirm post traumatic stress.

Though I’m really unsure of how to go about making that happen. What is my first step and the steps after of how to make this happen and do what I need to do to fix/heal and recover from whatever is going on?

I’m definitely feeling that once me and my family get forward into this and doing all that we both need to change to improve and fix our broken and unhealthy relationship with each other and with whatever I find out; I believe that things will begin to change in the right way that I’ve been wanting for so long. To have the right and healthy support from my parents and sister.

Are you who you always said you would be?

Who am I? For years before I began my mental health recovery (April 25th, 2015) I thought I knew who I wanted to be and who I currently was, but deep down, I was something else. I was something that I didn’t want to become at any point in my life. Deep down there was enough proof and visible enough that I was not seeing that I was actually the opposite of what I wanted to be.

I found myself all caught up with wanting to gain society’s and my parents acceptance and validation so I ended up following all their demands, standards and expectations. Which caused me to be something ugly, the opposite of confident, beautiful (felt and called/labeled myself as ugly). I have been insecure for many years in both middle and high school and also in college.

I felt so ugly I wanted to change all the flaws about me because they made me feel so ugly. I wanted to because I didn’t like any of them and wasn’t happy with how they made me overall as a human being. This was also because of wanting society’s and my parents acceptance/validation so badly I was willing to change myself to be the person they wanted me to be. So thats what I set out to change.

And did that give me any ounce of happiness, contentment, confidence or pride? Nope. It only made them happy but not 100% like they wanted and expected from me. And so they basically continued to take away my self worth (we all should know and remind ourselves that taking away someone’s self worth is not the way to go in order to get what you want from someone). If you want someone to change, you can only inspire it. Yet we all find ourselves demanding change instead.

We have to ask ourselves if we have ever received the results that we wanted? And if not, maybe we should stop using the same method and expecting the results we want, and start working on inspiring change but first finding a new method that doesn’t demand change and is way different from the method we have used in the past. Doing the same thing and expecting different results (and being blind to what we are actually doing wrong) is plain what you would call: insanity.

So what I’m saying here bringing the attention back to my life and the message that I’m trying to pull out of this, is that I was all caught up in wanting validation from others when the real truth is that the only validation that matters is my own. I need to accept, love, and validate myself as I am and to improve myself from my own initiative and my responsibility to do what I need to do to work on myself in all areas that are in need of work.

With the sinking feeling inside your chest.

Lately and throughout the beginning up until today, I’ve been experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, pain (emotional, mental and physical), and reliving the traumatic event that I have been believing is what I’ve been experiencing (called: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I’ve been struggling a lot from adapting and accepting that my companion (cat, Franka) is gone and at peace, and that also I’ve been struggling to adapt with the new change of Emily living in a dorm all the way in Barrie and with all that has been happening with me mentally and all.

I’ve been struggling enough and I’ve been working on lately with figuring out what it is exactly that’s been happening with me mentally. I have a 90% belief that I’m suffering with PTSD and I’m struggling, unsure and in need of help on how to go about seeking help (when Dr. Kao isn’t available until my current appointment: December 28th). Unsure and would like advice, tips, suggestions, inspiration, knowledge, education on what I can do since I cannot meet with Dr. Kao (with his busy schedule) to do something about this.

Always waiting on someone else to fix you? Tell me when did you forget?

I would like to talk about my appointment with Tamara my case manager from CMHA which my parents were a part of this week; that has brought me some awareness and understand what Dr. Kao meant back in November 2016 when he said: that I wasn’t ready for therapy. He was basically stating that I seemed to him and from what he had heard from what my parents told him; that I’m not mature enough to go into therapy (family therapy). Which with what they have shared during the appointment is that I’m really seeing how it has appeared to them and Dr. Kao as me not being mature enough to make that kind of commitment and decision to pursue.

And so since then I’ve been working on doing things to prove and show to my parents that I’m improving myself to become more mature and a responsible adult, citizen of society and human being that yet all parents want their kids to become at a certain age. It’s something that I believe takes a lot of time, effort, commitment and hard work to achieve and make into a habit with my current lifestyle.

Though I am still choosing to keep the kind of lifestyle that I have created throughout my mental health recovery but I’m gonna make some changes such as doing and yet overall being a more mature and responsible human being. And that will take a lot within me to keep on track and keep progressing to reach the day where my parents are able to see that I’ve become more of a mature and responsible adult and in which I did on my own. To which they will hopefully come to believe that “nothing is impossible”.

Yeah they have told me that they don’t believe its possible for me to do something like this on my own because they’ve never actually seen so with their own eyes (but I know everyone in the Happier community: happier.com knows that I’ve made a whole lot of progress, achievements and have overcome and accomplished a lot in almost 2.5 years in recovery).

And I know as I call myself an emotionally intelligent person as I have previously been commented by Tamara that she sees/hears me acting/speaking like an emotionally intelligent person; which I very greatly appreciate a lot. I know that my parents will one day (believe this day that I’m talking about does exist no matter how hopeless I have and may feel from time to time); change in ways that only support me with my mental health, my journey living with mental illness: depression and PTSD and lastly who are changing to help support me in all the right and healthy ways.

Educating themselves on what they don’t know about mental health and mental illness, putting more of an effort than they currently are (I’m not saying I don’t appreciate what little effort they have been showing for me) and anything else that parents should do with supporting their loved ones who live with mental illness. And when that day comes, I know for sure that it will feel uncomfortable and may at first be hard to believe that I am actually seeing all that kind of change in them that in which I’ve been wanting and seeking to see in them for my whole recovery and even before when I was in college.

But I do know also that it’s the good kind of change and it’s gonna be hard and new stuff that I’m gonna have to work hard for and will also be experiencing other things that I haven’t yet experienced (starting a job working at a company as a secretary/receptionist/office administrative staff, dating someone, etc); and these new kinds of changes will be hard for me to adapt to but I know I’ll have a stronger and healthier support.

It’s your life! What you gonna do? The world is watching you. Every day, the choices you make, say what you are and who your heart beats for. It’s an open door.

Now that I’ve been taking control of a lot of things since I started my recovery April 25th, 2015; I’ve been thinking about what I can do to make a life for myself. For example, work on applying to any available office jobs and any other things that can help me make a life of my own…

Since that I’ve made it clear to myself (for right now, everyone else will know real soon) that its my life and I have all the control I need to make it what I want though it feels to me as though it’s a scary thing to enter. But I know that I’m not alone and I have a healthier and stronger support system.