Loneliness Kills All The Thrill From Standing Alone
You know for so long, I’ve felt so lonely when I see couple especially during Valentine’s Day, and the holidays! I’ve struggled with it a lot. And yeah even though as said in the title: loneliness kills all the thrill from standing alone, it’s hard not to get it in your head for some people. And I am one of those people.
And yeah I’m gonna work on it, though I’ve made many struggles but I have some progress! I know it comes with focusing more on myself and less on feeling lonely being single and all!
And one thing that also comes to mind regarding this particular topic, is not being able to be vulnerable, with letting my guard down with my own parents and sister about well why the attempts with putting myself out there in the dating world have failed to some degree. Here’s what I have to say which I also shared with my case manager from CMHA!
I thought about sharing this after some thoughts coming to my mind about how all those times I put myself in a position thinking I was able to put myself out there to meet someone special, I had my best friend and her mom help me with my eHarmony profile, and the many other dating profiles I’ve created (yet given a fair chance with before deleting my account) to when my best friend set me up with someone they know, yet that was a time when I was in my depression relapse. I wasn’t in any position to be in a position or moment like that, and as much as I felt like I wanted to be ready to get out there in the dating world, I knew I was in no mental state to be at that point. What I needed rather so was to have my friends there and knowing in some way from me that I am not ready to start dating because I still had a lot more to work in for myself before I reach that point. One reason why I let my friends and family believe it was safe for me to put myself out there by signing up for dating sites, was because I was too ashamed for the fact that I wasn’t in any position to be ready yet I felt so lonely, my loneliness got the best of me which made me make a bad judgment call about gaining a love life. Either way, I can say that I’m more ready and yeah I know when you meet someone, you don’t need to ask yourself if you’re ready but the reason why I believe that I wanted to make sure I had everything else done for myself and everything else before making a judgment like this. I want to make my first date, my first kiss, my first love even to be 100% the right judgment call on my part. I wanted to make sure I was making the right choice. Anyway, one day and some point with therapy with my family and individual therapy to heal from my own trauma and issues, my family and friends will come to understand why and how all those moments I made them believe that I was ready to start dating, wasn’t the real truth at all, but something deeper, something even I struggled to come to acceptance of for myself!
So what do you think? Can you relate to this any any point of view or understanding? Well this is a breakthrough for me and I’m just waiting for the moment where I finally push myself to share this with my parents, sister and particularly my best friend and the rest of my family!
It in some way bugs me that I’ve been struggling and for the fact that I haven’t told them yet and the real struggle of sharing something as deep which involves being vulnerable and letting my guard down to some level.
