How to Love When You Are Hated
A 3-Step Approach
It’s happened a number of times. I’m by myself on a road trip, happily zipping along an open freeway, listening to some inspirational tunes or enjoying some delicious quiet time with my thoughts, and then I see it. Maybe in a pickup truck window or waving from the porch of a roadside family home. No matter it’s form or size, it’s unmistakable and my eyes are drawn to it as if by primal instinct — the Confederate flag.
Suddenly I shift into fight-or-flight. I feel unsafe and alone. The world feels like a scary place. Someone nearby hates me, might even be out to get me. I become painfully aware that I am in unfamiliar territory. I am a target without an ally. I shrink into the driver’s seat and wish myself and my brown skin invisible.
Nothing has actually happened to me. I’m still just driving along in my car, as secure as I was a moment before. No one actually threatened me. I merely saw a symbol, which at some point in the past my brain linked to ideas of prejudice, violence, and danger. In the space of my own mind an entire scene instantly unfolded where I became the imminent victim of a hate crime. Because I thought it, I assumed it must be true. I believed my own thoughts and made the threat real.
Perhaps something like this has happened to you. Maybe it wasn’t a confederate flag. Maybe it was a swastika you saw, a racist or homophobic slur, a political campaign sign, or a shaved head. Maybe it wasn’t even a symbol that evoked your feelings of vulnerability. Maybe it was an actual gesture or statement by an actual person. Someone told you they hate you, or your kind, or something you did. It could have been a total stranger, or it could have been your mother-in-law. Our fear response can be triggered in any number of ways, and there is something particularly distressing about the sensations that arise when we think we are hated by another human being, even one that does not threaten bodily harm.
An evolutionary biologist might explain it in terms of our survival instincts. It bodes better for our survival in an unpredictable world when the people around us like us. We are hardwired for cooperation for the same reason. We never know when we might need assistance, and we are unlikely to get it from someone who hates our guts.
That’s one explanation. A simpler one might be that we are primed to be afraid of each other. Look at the movies we watch, look at social media, look at the news. Everywhere we look these days we see images of humans attacking humans. Whether it’s the lone perpetrator taking vengeance for their misery on random innocents, domestic violence, gang violence, terrorism, members of one group acting against another in the age-old “us vs. them” scenario, or government sanctioned military strategy on foreign soil — human-on-human aggression is rampant in our world. We witness these happenings around us and bring the wars inside our minds. Now we’re reactive, now we’re at risk. As without, so within.
As far as I’m concerned, that just won’t do. I don’t want to live with a war in my head. My number one goal in life is inner peace. I want that for myself and for everyone else. I want that for you. If you want that for you too, then read on. I’d like to offer you a 3-step approach for dealing with the thought that someone hates you.
Step #1 — Challenge the assumption
Our minds are magnificent at jumping to conclusions. Sometimes we do it so deftly, we leave no room for second guesses. We see what we see, know what we know. Self-confidence can be nice, but when we’re confident about an idea that disrupts our peace, maybe it’s not such a good thing. Next time you find yourself troubled by the thought that someone hates you, challenge the assumption. Ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it undeniably true? Can I know this for sure?”
Maybe whatever caused you to believe someone hates you appears indisputable on its face. Maybe they even said it to your face. (Personally, I’ve never had that experience, but then I’ve never had the pleasure of raising a teenager.) Even in that which appears obvious, there can always be room for another interpretation. People don’t always mean what they say. People sometimes have stuff going on that you don’t know about. People are complicated. So, ask yourself if it’s possible you might be wrong about the inner workings of another person’s mind. Ask yourself how it might not be true, and let your creative mind go to work in favor of peace. Your brilliant mind will come up with answers for any question you ask it.
Step #2 — See everyone as doing their best
Maybe someone does hate you. It’s possible. But what is hate really? Hate is one of the many forms of fear. We hate what we don’t know, don’t understand, don’t like in ourselves. We hate when something threatens our well-being or that of another we care about. It’s a reaction from a place of insecurity, which is always born from beliefs about our own vulnerability. When a person reacts with hate, what they’re really doing is trying to soothe their own psychic pain. They are doing their best to cope with being afraid.
Viewed in this light, we might relate to that instinct. We might call to mind instances where we reacted to fear with hate. We might see that exact pattern playing out in our current hate response to our current perception of being hated. Perhaps this awareness softens things in our mind. We might even allow ourselves to have compassion for the other person’s hate. It means they are suffering, feeling powerless, and searching in vain for relief outside themself. Whether or not you believe someone else’s hate is justified, in recognizing their feelings (and the behaviors arising from those feelings) as expressions of pain, you might come to see their hate as just one part of their humanity.
Step #3 — Be Love anyway
Let’s say someone really does hate you. You’ve challenged the assumption and you’re still certain it true. You’ve considered how they might be acting out to relieve their fear and suffering, and you still feel threatened. Let’s say the way they are expressing their hatred is socially, morally, or legally unacceptable. What then? Absolutely, you must take the necessary precautions to ensure that they don’t act out their aggression toward you physically. Be safe. Protect yourself. Alert the authorities if it comes to that. And at the same time, keep reminding yourself that their hate doesn’t have to be contagious.
You can remember who you really are by remembering what you are not. You are not your thoughts, beliefs, or feelings. You are not your fear of being hated. At your essence, you are consciousness. You are the loving awareness witnessing everything that you experience. You are beyond fear. You are human at one level, and spirit on another. And so is the person who hates you. They just aren’t remembering that right now. In your humanness you can react, observe your reaction, and then choose to re-align yourself with the unconditional, all-encompassing love of spirit. This Love with a capital “L” is your default setting. It’s always an option.
It feels way better to know that you’re safe, whole, and loving than it does to feel angry, scared, and hateful. You can come back to being Love at any time, and through that lens someone else’s hate becomes a simple error in judgment. A human mistake anyone could make under a given set of circumstances. As Love, we forgive each other’s mistakes and set ourselves free. We can gift this to ourselves no matter what someone else appears to be doing or feeling.
Depending on how far you’re willing to go to find peace, one or more of these suggestions might resonate. Try walking yourself through the steps the next time you believe someone hates you. (It even works if that person you think hates you is you.) Let life be the judge, take what works for you and ignore the rest. My feelings won’t be hurt, and I won’t assume that you hate me.
