How ‘Not reacting to Everything’ in a relationship is teaching me ‘self-love’

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Relationships are uncomfortable. We all are afraid to get hurt, disappointed, ignored, and jaded. Expectations lead to disappointments — holds true as many of us might have experienced it. We paint a certain image on how our partner, friends, and family that we care about deeply will support, love, and respect us for what we are and agree with our idea of life, and more often than not we find ourselves trying to explain or justify our actions.

“We human beings are social beings. we come into this world as a result of others’ actions. we survive here in dependence on others. whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment in our lives that we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationship with others.” — Dalai Lama

I have always believed that effective communication is the key to any relationship. The problem is not communication, it's about how we react to a situation that defines the tone of the conversation.

When we are angry or hurt the idea would be to react and hurt the other person and we aim at winning the argument rather than focusing on the purpose of the conversation or argument.

It’s not about repressing our feelings or letting ourselves down by not reacting immediately, it’s about taking a step back, analyzing the situation, and communicating with the other person on why we hurt or angry and whether we can find a middle ground and let go instead of holding onto it for long.

We all are born and raised with different values, cultures, and ideologies and when two people come together, disagreements and fights are inevitable. we respond to a situation differently and that’s okay. The problem arises when it becomes a pattern and not recognizing it soon. For instance, I am an impulsive person and I react very quickly without thinking and will ponder later on for not taking time to process the situation before I reacted. I am good at communicating but I bad at paying attention to my thoughts before I respond and when I realized this I could see myself pausing for a few moments and trying to comprehend what the other person meant and what triggered my anger is helping me reduce stress.

A few months back, I came across a post on social media about not reacting to everything, it changed my perspective on how I view and value myself and the relationships in my life.

I am in no way saying that this would the right way to work on your relationships or preaching that this is the key to all the answers. I am only sharing from what I have learned with the hope that if it helps even one person, it gives me great satisfaction. We can all agree to disagree if it doesn’t resonate with you.

The points I am sharing through this post is not something new or out of the ordinary self-help advice. It’s rather simple and easy things that we all know but putting it all together and revisiting it often is helping me pause and analyze my thoughts before I react. I often find myself asking this question — do I have to even react and make a point? or let go and chose happiness instead.

Two things I have learned are The importance of — self-love and self-awareness. They have the power to transform your thoughts and help build healthy relationships in life.

(NOT) Reacting to Everything:

• I am learning that I don’t have to react to everything that bothers me.
• I am learning that I don’t have to hurt those who hurt me.
• I am learning that the ultimate sign of maturity is walking away instead of getting even.
• I am learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from seeing other good things in life.
• I am learning that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and I won’t be able to get everyone to treat me the way I wanted to treated and that’s okay.
• I am learning that trying so hard to win everyone is just a waste of time and energy. It fills you with nothing but emptiness.
• I am learning that not reacting doesn’t mean that I am okay with things, It just means I am choosing to rise above it.
• I am choosing my peace of mind because that’s what I truly need. I don’t need more drama. I don’t need people making me feel like I am not good enough. I don’t need fights, arguments, and fake connections. I am learning that sometimes not saying anything at all says everything.
• I am learning that reacting to things that upset you gives someone else power over your emotions.
• You can’t control what others do but you can control how to respond, how to handle it, how to perceive it, and how much of it to take personally. I am learning that most of the time, these situations say nothing about you and a lot about the other person.
• I am learning that even if I react, it won’t change anything, It won’t make people suddenly love and respect, It won’t magically change their minds.
• Sometimes it’s better to let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers, and don’t expect people to understand where you are coming from.
• I am learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening ‘around you’ and center it on what’s happening ‘inside you’ instead.
• Work on yourself and your inner peace and you’ll come to realize that not reacting to every little thing that bothers you is the first ingredient to live a happy and healthy life.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha.

This pandemic has opened doors for me to see myself in a new light. We change with time and circumstances in our life. With most of us living with partners, siblings, parents, taking care of kids 24 hours could be exhausting and challenging at times and we often forget to prioritize ourselves.

We cannot control our emotions, but we can control our thoughts and the way we respond. Practicing self- care is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship — something I am learning, the more we invest time to understand, accept and forgive ourselves the more we will be open to love and respect the other person for who they are. Embracing change and treating ourselves with love is a great investment in return.

Though all of us different challenges to overcome in relationships what keeps us connected is the ability to learn, grow, and spread love and compassion towards ourselves and others.