Welcome to our new mind control division!

^BREAKING NEWS^

We are beyond excited to announce we have retroactively patented our new mind-control technology originally stolen — erhm…invented — in close partnership with the geniuses in our Time Travel Division.

From our patent we “filed” in 2001:

It is therefore possible to manipulate the nervous system of a subject by pulsing images displayed on a nearby computer monitor or TV set.

Thanks to the internet, we can now deliver these image pulses embedded in common internet content such as memes, listicles, and think pieces. We are now the market leader in internet mind control programming.

So what can you do with all this content? We’re glad you asked!

Application of the field over a large skin area causes simultaneous stimulation of many cutaneous nerves, and the fm modulation is then coherent from nerve to nerve. Therefore, if the afferent signals are somehow summed in the brain, the fm modulations add while the spikes from different nerves mix and interlace. In this manner the S/N can be increased by appropriate neural processing.

In layman’s terms, we can influence your targeted consumers to do pretty much whatever you want! Want them to sign up for a jelly-of-the-month club? No problem. Get them to transmit their bank account and routing numbers to an anonymous Russian email address? You betcha. Have them remove their own kidneys, pack them in a disposable styrofoam cooler, and ship them to Indonesia? Simple!

So what are you waiting for? Sign up today to get this content before your competitors do!