The Interrobang
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The Interrobang

‘How often should you have sex a week?’

By Sheila Heti

Sheila Heti has 27 answers to the question of how often you should Do It. (Contains some explicit language.)

Speaking as someone who has never had sex, who has only read about sex and watched it online, I would say never. It seems that there are so many tiny repairs to make in this falling-apart world of ours, that to pass your time degrading someone else, or being degraded, is a very poor use of your time. As much as possible, I would advise the questioner: refrain.

In order to maintain a healthy relationship, once a week seems adequate. Once a week seems healthy. I’m not saying you should schedule it in — better to let the heart or the loins lead you as to when, as to what time, for how long, in what position, which room.

Every day. Or else how do you know if he’s attracted to you still?

It’s not a question of how many times a week, but which week out of the month. You should have sex the week your girlfriend or wife is ovulating. That is when she is most primed for sex. When she will reap the greatest pleasure from sex. When the sheets won’t get bloody from sex. That is the week nature wants us to have sex. Have sex that week, every day, or multiple times a day, and let the desire to fuck her build up during the other three weeks. Try not to masturbate. Expend all your energy on her.

Speaking as someone who has never had sex, I would say you should have sex in the morning and at night, every day of the week. Sex is life’s greatest pleasure. It’s the only real pleasure to be had.

Speaking as someone who has never had sex, I would say that you should discuss it with your partner. Come up with a schedule which models the sort of couple you’d like to be, then stick to that schedule! Let nothing veer you from it.

Your primary duty is sex.

Speaking as someone who has had a few sexual partners, I would say the question is not how many times a week should you have sex, but with how many people? It is noble to have sex with only one person per week. More than that, you may hurt feelings, and your reputation.

I would like to have sex.

I would like to have sex just once.

With anyone, for any length of time.

I would say the questioner has a gluttony of choices, is privileged with choice, with abundance, with vanity. To ask such a question! As though there is someone who will have sex with you, as many times as you feel is best! As though you are the only one deciding! As though one needs no other partner in the game of deciding. No! One needs consent. If you have someone willing to have sex with you as many times as you want, well, why not say 100 times a week? Why not say 1000? There’s your answer: 10,000 times a week. Asshole.

The questioner assumes there is a right answer, but this question is surely answered differently by every couple. It depends on the sex drives. Great luck is finding someone whose drive matches yours. If you do not have this great luck (most of us don’t), masturbate to make up for it. Always have sex at the rate of the person who wants it least. That is, if your partner wants it once a week, and you want it five times, have it once, and masturbate the other four times (while thinking of your partner).

There is no correct answer to this question.

Once a week — it’s obvious.

Twice a week — it’s clear.

Three times a week — it’s obvious.

It’s not the number of times, it’s about how good the sex is. Better to have hot sex once a month, than crummy, routine sex every night of the week. The hot sex you can think about when you are not having sex, and feel a glow at how sexy your partner is, but bad sex you’ll come to dread. If your boyfriend beats you around the mouth with his hard dick, and then fucks you hard — and this happens once a month, and takes you totally by surprise — don’t worry that you don’t fuck the other three weeks. Be grateful that he still has the creativity and desire in him to beat you about the lips with his cock.

No one wants to have sex with you. You are not a sexually attractive person. You ask this question as though you are. As though anyone finds you attractive. We all know you’re so repulsive, and that those people who ever fucked you, fucked you out of spite, or boredom, or both. Don’t pretend you have sexual chemistry with your mate. Your mate tired of you long ago. Don’t even hold out hope. Don’t hold out hope of having sex with your mate ever again. If it happens, praise the good God. If it doesn’t, take this as the natural way for things to go, given how badly you smell, how badly you dress, that you are a pig while eating, that you have no social graces, and look halfway between a pig and a man. You have none of the charms which attract, or continue to attract. Hold out no hope for sex. Hold out no hope for anything.

The only person who can answer this question is your mother.

The only person who can answer this is your father.

The only person who can answer this question is you: how many times a week do you want to have sex?

Why does this person assume every week is the same? Every week is not the same. Every week is different.

What is sex?

What is week?

I cannot answer this. I long ago have forgotten what’s good about sex.

A monster of sex has asked this question, someone with monstrous ideas about human sexuality. Shut this person out. Don’t let him in. Don’t let him or her be part of our society. This person understands nothing. Understands nothing about how the rest of us live. We all know the answer to this ridiculous question. We all are laughing, and we are not telling.

Sheila Heti is the author of seven books including How Should a Person Be?

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