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The Cider House Rules
Reflections on old love
“People only ask questions when they’re ready to hear the answers.” — John Irving, The Cider House Rules
I think I could have made my marriage work but my shame was always greater than my love. From the very start I behaved a used racehorse waiting for the bolt gun. Where this sense of captivity and eroded usefulness heralded from — well I have ideas — but I am two parts question per one part answer.
I’ve always gotten easily spooked, not knowing until much later what I was running for. Realizing, then, there was nothing to be afraid of. But once you’ve been afraid it’s really easy to be afraid again. Fear reverberates that way. Far into the future to places imagination can’t reach. By the time imagination gets there with its shallow head lamp, fear has pitched a tent and gotten comfortable.
But fear is also erratic and sporadic. Makes itself hyperactive and unpredictable. Sometimes I think if fear calmed down and had a conversation, sat around a campfire and shared tea, we might come to an understanding. I might learn something about myself and fear might soften. Then a jackrabbit might happen by and off we’d go again.
It’s toughest for me when fear disguises itself as wisdom: I keep people away for the right reasons. But what good is being right when the construct…
