Dating In A Technological World
Romantic relationships can begin anywhere. When Cupid’s arrow strikes, you might be at the gym, waiting for a coffee, minding your own business on the train, at Uni or more accurately put, the bar, or even dropping it low on the d-floor during a Saturday night rave. But sometimes Cupid goes on holiday, or takes a long nap, or kick’s back watching back to back re-runs of Broad City. It is during this time, that we, as mere mortals, feel as though finding that special someone is never going to happen and we’re destined to a long life living as part of the spinsterhood. But as technology is showing, while Cupid casually kicks back on the couch, a plethora of dating sites are popping up at an exponential rate, making it possible for us to take back some control of our own romantic lives.
It’s not surprising since in 2014 on average a person spent about 7.5 hours a day in front of a screen (whether it’s a smart phone, tablet, TV, or computer). So, as our generation is becoming increasingly attached to life online, it’s becoming the most likely place to meet a romantic partner.
According to a recent Dating in the Digital Age survey, 75% of you have experienced lover’s quarrels caused by miscommunications in technology. Sound familiar? Even how we share news about our love life has been greatly altered by our favourite devices. Just signing into Facebook you can find out an acquaintance from high school is engaged, or your 15-year-old cousin is newly single. Take a look at the many ways in which technology has revolutionised the dating scene — and how many of us can capitalise on this medium for the better.
COURTSHIP
Gone are the days of picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date. Today, texting, emailing, tweeting, and snapchatting remove much of the need for this charm; it’s more like dropping a line in the water and hoping for a nibble. On top of this, men don’t put effort into “composing a coherent message to ask a women out” complains one 34-year-old blogger. “A typical annoying query is the last minute ‘Is anything fun happening tonight?,’” Even more annoying still are those who simple ping, ‘Hey’ or ‘sup.’ And at many times accompanied by a “;).” — No, just no.
Dodgy economic prospects facing us millennials also help torpedo the old, format dating rituals. Faced with a lingering recession, a stagnant job market, and mountains of student debt, many young people simply cannot afford to invest in a fancy dinner or show in someone they may or may not click with.
Using the Internet to meet potential dating partners presents us with new challenges with regards to self-presentation and self-disclosure. Being favourably regarded by others is a prerequisite for many outcomes in life, and during the early stages of courtship, individuals are particularly concerned with the impression they are making. During courtship the increased ability to manage self-presentation provides greater opportunities for misrepresentation. A survey of 84 online daters found that almost 60 per cent misrepresented their weight and 48 per cent their height, often using photos that helped to obscure the truth.
However, the same research suggests that while slight misrepresentations on online dating sites are quite common, major lies are quite rare. Online daters realise that while, on one hand, they want to make the best possible impression in their profile, on the other hand, if they do want to pursue an offline relationship, they can’t begin it with outright lies that will quickly reveal them for who they are.
CHOICE
Online dating services, such as Tinder, Ok Cupid and Match.com, just to name a few, have gained mainstream acceptance, and reinforced the hyper-casual approach by greatly expanding the number of available potential dates. Faced with the never-ending stream of singles to choose from, many feel a sense of “FOMO” (fear of missing out), so they opt for a speed-dating approach by cycling through lots of suitors quickly.
Although this allows you to meet people whom you otherwise would not have met, the downside to this wealth of opportunity is that it makes people tend to rush to make judgments based on superficial information, and to constantly second-guess themselves about whether, by dating someone, they may be settling down too soon, before finding the elusive Mr. or Ms. Right. A large body of literature on decision-making shows that, in general, when we have too many choices available to use, we’re less satisfied with any one choice. You see, having no choices can lead to misery, but too many options can overwhelm and lead you to worry that you’ve made the wrong decision.
With this in mind, online dating sites have fostered an attitude in which potential lovers are objectified like products on a store shelf, rather than people. Dating has now changed from a serendipitous meeting to a virtual shopping spree. It’s tempting to keep looking for the next best thing so it can be harder to settle. Not surprisingly, physically attractive people are more successful at online dating.
But in real life, after we get to know someone and like their personality, we begin to find them more physically appealing as well. Making quick decisions based on online photos doesn’t allow for this slower attraction and may cause us to dismiss potential dates to whom we could become attracted to.
THE GAME
We all know that feeling of waiting for what feels like hours for your potential love interest to reply, and then stressing over how soon ‘too soon’ is to reply without coming off as overeager, or if you wait too long, and you might seem disinterested — or spending equally as long crafting texts that are devoid of clear intentions. You see the very nature of ‘the (dating) game’ is similar to other games or indeed social media. Every time we get a notification we get a little buzz of excitement, as I’m sure many of you can attest to. Studies have shown that the randomness of the notification, Random Reward, causes a little spike of dopamine (the brain’s feel good drug) to be discharged. Just think how integral these random notifications are when dating, receiving online messages, getting another match, or someone you want to talk to finally coming online. And remember it’s not just one person we’re talking to now — we can simultaneously speak to hundreds of potential partners at the same time.
So I would argue that we are not only getting validation from the attention from potential partners, but the game aspect can actually make us addicted to this type of dating through random spikes of dopamine from receiving notifications.
Studies on modality switching — or taking your online dating communications into an in-real-life (IRL) situation — show that online communication prior to meeting IRL can actually boost things like intimacy, composure and social orientation. But only for a certain period of time.
In their studies, 2–3 weeks was found to be the ideal period to transition from online to face-to-face. Initially, people benefitted from waiting a while to meet. After this turning point, negative outcomes started to arise, as the researchers saw that a level of idealisation occurred between potential partners that led to disappointment once the IRL meet up finally took place.
In other words, if you take longer than three weeks to meet up in person with your Tinder crush, you’re going to be disappointed because reality just won’t match the fantasy you’ve created in your mind.
Aziz Ansari, author of Modern Romance says, “The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your night in endless exchanges with strangers.”
THE DATE
By the time it gets to the actual date, we’ve already Facebook-stalked ourselves out of small talk. Online research makes the first date feel unnecessary, because it creates a false sense of intimacy. You think you know all the important stuff, when in reality all you know is that they watch Game of Thrones. Sadly, asking someone to name their favourite movie is no longer stimulating conversation on the first date. What a shame.
Not only can this affect a first impression, but it can also ruin the fun of getting to know someone. Not everyone is the way they may appear on social media, and sometimes, online networking sites can unfortunately create an alternate persona of a person before you even get a chance to meet them.
And this is all before you even get to the restaurant. By this stage, my head is whirling with questions like, ‘Will they be attracted to me?,’ ‘Will they think I have a good personality?’, ‘What if it doesn’t work out? I’ll never meet someone,’ and then one small hop skip and a jump later, and we’re straight onto ‘I’m definitely going to die alone…’
Sound familiar?
While dating should be fun, it can be a stressful process. The number one thing that seems to cause dating anxiety the most is the pressure of meeting expectations, whether it’s theirs or yours. In order to help ease anxiety it’s all about simplifying the process. Certified Matchmaker Marissa Ventura says,
“It is simply one human being getting to know another and figuring out if there is a connection or not. That’s all.”
THE RELATIONSHIP
With smart phones so abundantly prevalent, it is no question to text your special someone, or even the person you’re casually dating, to see what they’re up to. However, in our day and age, it is not uncommon to abuse texting as a means of keeping tabs on someone. Imagine what it was like during simpler times, when a long-distance couple would share a phone call or perhaps even receive a letter once a week. They would catch up through minimal, but appropriate communication, whereas today we use texting to demand to know who someone is hanging out with or where they are at that specific moment in time. Any ounce of trust we could have invested in a person is essentially shattered in a relationship like this. If we didn’t check up on people so frequently, we might not find out about every little thing they did last night — but maybe that’s okay. If the trust were truly there, the constant obsession with keeping tabs wouldn’t be necessary.
Whether you’re looking to find your soul mate or to even just have some fun, the online dating area provides us with the ability to communicate with potential lovers safely and conveniently as precursors to face-to-face encounters with complete strangers. While online dating is pervasive, it has fundamentally altered both the romantic acquaintance process and the process of compatibility matching. Online dating provides us with the ability to meet potential partners we would have been unlikely to encounter otherwise and facilitates a rapid transition to face-to-face interaction, where two people can get a clearer sense of their romantic potential.
So until Cupid decides to return from the Bahamas, Remember, online dating is the first part. The idea is that you eventually log off and continue your relationship in the real world — offline.
Originally published at The Isthmus.
