Why I’m Unfollowing My Corporate Self: A Breakup Manifesto
Dear Corporate Joe,
It’s not you, it’s me — actually, who am I kidding? It’s definitely you. We’ve been together for so long that I’ve lost track of time. Was it 25 years? 30? It’s hard to remember when every day feels like a Monday morning meeting about synergy and OKRs.
You promised me stability, a lifetime of 9-to-5 comfort, and a corner office with a view of the parking lot. Ah, the dreams of annual bonuses and success. Remember the trust falls? I fell, but did you catch me? No, you were too busy updating your LinkedIn profile.
You said we were a family, but let’s be honest, you’re more like that distant cousin who shows up uninvited to family events, making everyone uncomfortable. You talk about “corporate culture” as if it’s a warm, loving environment, but it feels more like a dysfunctional family reunion where Uncle Bob from Finance argues with Aunt Karen from HR about who says we have to tell everyone they’re “doing great!”
I’ve given you time, oh how I’ve given you time. I’ve filled out surveys, participated in culture groups, partook in leadership training, and even spoke up in meetings. But you, like a stubborn mule, refuse to change. You nod and smile, saying you value my input, but we both know you’re just waiting to get back to your “corporate innovation.”
Ah, let’s not overlook our extended corporate “family” — Email, Slack, LinkedIn, Office365, SharePoint, Jira, and the like. These tools, meant to “enhance” our work life, only add layers of complexity. They’re your ever-present clan, making escape impossible. If you’re judged by this company, it’s intervention time.
Over the years, I’ve picked up some bad habits from you — like the dependency on that paycheque that gets me through endless meetings and poorly run projects. You’ve become apathetic over the years and I want more than that everyday.
You’ve become a “manager,” stifling my natural leadership skills with admin tasks and PowerPoint slides. Instead of conducting a team symphony, I’m stuck sweeping the stage. You’ve reduced my leadership to mere checkboxes, depriving us all of real guidance.
I’ve grown, Corporate Joe, but you haven’t. I used to be content with the promise of climbing the corporate ladder, but now I see it’s more like a hamster wheel. A never-ending cycle of tasks and projects that lead nowhere but to burnout and existential dread.
It’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.
Goodbye, Corporate Joe. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. Actually, I won’t.
Sincerely,
The Real Joe
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P.S. I’m unfollowing you on LinkedIn. Don’t take it personally. Or do. I don’t really care.
