Local governor loves to fly.
A Q&A explaining Alabama Gov Robert Bentley, his scandals, and his affection for air travel.
So I understand there’s a scandal about Alabama’s governor and adultery and a helicopter?
Correct. Stories drifted into the Alabama press this week that Robert Bentley had a state law enforcement helicopter fetch his wallet from his house in Tuscaloosa and fly it to his beach house on the Gulf Coast after he left it behind in a rush in December 2014.
For a wallet? And drove that far without it? Isn’t it a ways from Tuscaloosa to the beach?
A bit longer than you’d like for a governor who apparently bugged out from his security detail on a whim.
Who drives that long to the beach on a whim?
Look, I get after Bentley about a lot, but there is very little in this world that is more Alabama than a guy getting so pissed at his wife that he drives his pickup all the way down to the Redneck Riviera.
Um, yeah. So it was a fight with his wife?
Reportedly, he had a fight with his missus who ain’t his missus no more, on the day after Christmas in 2014.
As many couples will assure you, the holidays are an especially tough time in the life of a marriage, even after many decades together. You worry about your kids and their families. Extended family still tend to shave at your nerves. And to top it off, you have the annual Alabama Boxing Day tradition of having to tell your spouse to stop banging that damn woman at work.
It’s real, real tough, and some years, it don’t let up until Valentine’s Day.
And that’s what the fight was about?
Reportedly. Bentley has admitted to having said dirty things to his former closest aide, Rebekah Caldwell Mason—like that time he told her he enjoyed having sexual encounters with her in his office, in a taped conversation. But he denies he had a sexual encounter with Mason—like the kind he told Mason he enjoyed having with her in his office, in a taped conversation.
Does anybody believe that?
No. Not really.
Then why does he keep saying he didn’t have sex with her?
Probably to keep his ass in a job (that don’t pay) and out of jail (which might not pay). The thing keeping Bentley afloat right now is that there’s no proof he slept with Mason. If that proof arrives, the dominoes — and his administration — could topple.
Why’s that?
One problem might be that Bentley used state resources to carry on the affair, in violation of state ethics laws.
Ah! So the governor sending for a helicopter to grab his wallet after a tiff with his wife about the affair…
…is not an ideal fact to come out. Especially since it’s not the only alleged aircraft usage related to the affair.
What do you mean?
The governor kind of has a thing with planes. Allegedly.
Wait…
Yes. Allegedly.
Do I want to know?
Well, when all this was just at the uncomfortable rumor stage, a blog reported that Bentley and Mason had used a state airplane as a “bedroom.”
Really?
Yep. The Alabama Sex Plane, now taking off and getting off.
But very quickly.
There’s only so much Alabama.
Wait, why?
Borders.
No, why the Sex Plane?
According to Legal Schnauzer, a blog named after a pet that is pretty good at breaking embarrassing news about Alabama Republicans having sex* (and recently lost a multimillion-dollar defamation suit over reporting Alabama Republican sex news**), Bentley and Mason boarded the state’s fornication craft because they didn’t want the former Mrs. Bentley catching them in the Governor’s Mansion.
*Because Alabama.
**Also because Alabama.
Has that been verified by other reports since the affair news broke?
No. There’s been some stuff around the edges about how flights might have been arranged to keep Mason and Mrs. Bentley apart, but the Alabama Sex Plane remains in the hangar.
“Alabama Sex Plane” would be a really great band name.
I know, right? That or a Birmingham craft brew.
What kind do you think?
IPA. Definitely an IPA.
Ew.
Look, I can’t control what you do and do not associate with here. All I’m saying is that Alabama Sex Plane ain’t gonna be a Pilsner.
I guess. Is that all about the governor and aircraft?
Not really. Even if he didn’t do it in support of an affair, Bentley has used state aircraft perhaps a bit damn much. He flew from Montgomery to Birmingham, an hour’s drive, to endorse John Kasich for president last year.
And that was being talked about before we knew that he apparently had such a gnawing urge to earn Diner’s Club points while he chillaxed at LuLu’s that he had a state law enforcement copter zip his wallet down to the coast.
Is there something weird with this governor and aircraft?
I don’t know, but if he’s gonna be a screwup, at least he has a theme.
We’ve already got the Alabama Sex Plane and the Alabama Wallet Copter. Just wonder what this governor could do with the Alabama Healthcare Denial Hang Glider.
Or the Alabama Racebait Rocket.
Or the Alabama Shady Land Deal Zeppelin.
Why do you think he likes flying so much?
I don’t know, but he sure does seem crabby when he knows he has to get in a car.
More by Jackson Royal
- Alabama leadership is a weird stack of crap right now, and it’s exactly what the state wanted.
- That time I walked in a hurricane.
- Steve Sarkisian looks to have problems. Maybe we could talk about them without being dicks.
