Christian Satire Giant Releases New Edition of Bible

TOLEDO, OH — Christian satirist and managing editor of the Babylon Bee Joel Berry has announced a new version of the Bible, hitting the shelves and the Bee’s merch store later this week.

“We call this version the IBV — the International Bee Version,” he explained in a media brief. “Too many Bibles have tried to hone in on the original meanings of the text, but too few of those align with my political ideology. So we’ve decided to fix that.”

The IBV features a number of excisions and alterations from popular modern translations that have been making their rounds for the last hundred years or so.

A portion of Berry’s revised Bible

We see among these changes that the IBV has:

• Sharpened up instructions to women, like those found in 1 Corinthians 7:8: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is NOT good for them to stay unmarried. Unmarried women in America are lost, miserable, addicted to SSRIs and alcohol, wracked with guilt from abortion, and wandering from partner to partner. They are the Democrats’ core base now, and the Democrats will do everything possible to manufacture more of them.”
• Restored Ezekiel 16:49–50…