God Came
God Came
Friday, February 9, 2018
5:33 AM
Most people, when I mention that God came to Mt Sinai, say that, yeah, God is here in everything. No, that is not what I mean. I mean God came. I mean God came in a way it has never done before nor since. That is what the Torah is talking about and I just got it a few days ago. God came, literally, in it’s fullness. Now what does that mean? Well, to be honest with you I do not know what that means. But I do know that it is a certainty. That is what is so special about this realization. God came in it’s entirety like never before. Having this knowledge has shifted something inside me. There has always been an insecurity within me that was way deep below the surface. It is something I could never put my finger on, it is something that lingers on and on and never goes away. It never goes away and never moves away or becomes something else. It has always just stayed right there where it is deep inside me. It is a place I have always operated from and that is one of the main factors that I have had a difficult time expressing myself truthfully to the outside world or my own inside world. It has prevented me from being honest with you and myself. This false front was deeply rooted in the fact that I am on my own and must figure out this existence by myself with my mind.
Guess what! With the knowledge that God in itself actually came to us humans at Mt Sinai, not just a spiritual intuition or a religious feeling but in itself, I have a new place to find truth. Yes, it is difficult to understand the connection but I will try to explain further.
I am alone. And being alone I am scared. I am scared now and always. I know not what my next step is to be nor do I know where I just came from. I have no framework, there is nowhere for me to land, there is no safe haven. This is how I have operated all my life. My parents did not bring me any consolation in this area so it festered in me like a life threatening illness within. Always a gasping for air, not knowing where my next breath was to come from, if at all it was even coming. I have made my way around this with power struggles and surrenders. My life has literally been a push pull between the two. Does that make sense? I was lost daily and it was always neatly covered up below the surface. I guarantee you every single person I will mention this state of affairs to will say — that makes so much sense. Why is it so easy to believe? Because every single person knows that something is missing from me. It is not something they could come right out and say, “your shirt is on backwards”. It is something that is so nebulous but noticeable. It is not something you can pinpoint and speak to others about except in the way of “she is a bit off”. It is palpable. That is what my reality has always been in a life with no God.
And I tried! Ever since high school when any awareness of a creator bigger than me came to an attempt at my own understanding I have been trying to identify this big thing, this creator thing. And nothing, nothing. I did try, all these years. Earnestly. It was never my fault for not getting it. Please, I do not blame myself. I had to show up to something I did not even know existed…..Torah. And the showing up has had to be daily. I just didn’t know.
See, the daily showing up for Torah has given me an education from the inside out. If I had not shown up for the torah class at my table every morning, in it’s bits and pieces, I would never have been able to have the realizations I have had. The first one was that God really is and now the second one is that God really came, although it was for a brief time. The first one took 3 months of study and now the second one came about a year and a half later. A year and a half later with daily learning. Daily Parshah learning is the only way this could have come. Isn’t that a little annoying?
That’s why I don’t go around telling people to read Parshah. I would never impose this type of commitment on to anyone. But that is the only way it could have happened for me and I think, I am just thinking outloud now, I think this might be the only way it can happen to any of us. Just a guess but it does make so much sense. How is something so big and wide ranging on the inside shift to a certain knowledge without the preparation. And I think this is what is happening here. A clear preparation on the inside had to take place. Kind of like working the soil in a way that the most beautiful crops can occur. You cannot put a seed on a stone and expect it to grow a tomato plant. That is what I was before I opened the Torah. A seed on a stone. Maybe that is the whole concept I am trying to implode here for you. I am trying to blow up the disguise, the stone.
If you are a stone you will not know what I mean and that is just the way it is. Maybe the seed on your stone will invite you to Torah. The seed invited me.