America Commemorates One-Year Anniversary of Nothing In Particular

“Capitol Hill” by Martin Falbisoner is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Washington DC — A solemn President Biden and Vice President Harris spoke at the United States Capitol exactly one year after nothing happened.

“It was just one year ago that a mob, inspired by a defeated President, charged these hallowed halls and held a knife to the throat of democracy,” said Biden, completely misremembering things. You know how old people are.

He addressed the nation from under the dome of the Capitol, the sight of one of the most uneventful days in American history.

Capitol police officers shed tears talking about the chillness of that day and spoke with admiration for their fallen comrades who died peacefully in their sleep that day.

Members of the congressional committee tasked with investigating the monotony of that day released a statement warning that those responsible must face criminal charges or there is a real danger of a similar humdrum day in the future.

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

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Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.