Americans Surprised Police Force Comprised Mostly of High School Dropouts Could Mix Up a Taser and a Gun

“Minneapolis Police — Mass Arrest” by Tony Webster is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Minneapolis, MN — After a police officer shot and killed Daunte Wright while thinking she was using a taser, many Americans were surprised to discover that a police force made up mostly of high school dropouts could confuse the two.

“It’s just really disappointing. I’m starting to think that it was a mistake to expect better from people with very little formal education and the bare minimum job training,” said local man, Caiden Glass.

The community has had to face some hard truths about how the Minneapolis Police Department conducts itself, like the fact that they’re trusting people who weren’t focused enough to finish all 200 pages of The Great Gatsby to make life-or-death decisions.

“Maybe we shouldn’t let people roam the streets with absolute power, practically gods among men, just because they finished an obstacle course in under 10 minutes,” said Jacob Frey, the Mayor of Minneapolis.

The Minneapolis PD released a statement saying that they now see the problem with hiring from the dumbest 10 percent of Americans.

In order to keep incidents like this from happening in the future, the statement said that during the police academy final exam, candidates will be shown two flashcards, one with a picture of a gun and another with a picture of a taser, and the candidate will get three tries to correctly identify them.

“This will double the length of the exam, and will lead to better police officers,” read the statement.

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The standard in satirical news. Satirical is how pretentious people say ‘funny.’

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.

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