Catfish Just Biding Their Time Until They See an Opportunity to Become Planet’s Dominant Species

“Red-Tailed Catfish” by BFS Man is licensed under CC BY 2.0

A new report finds that catfish are lying in wait until humankind slips up so bad that they can take over and become the dominant species on Earth.

“Humans have been on top so long that they’ve become complacent. They aren’t watching their backs. They aren’t even wise to the fact that other species are gunning for them,” said catfish.

Catfish say that they’ve spotted chinks in humankind’s armor, and are ready to strike when the moment presents itself.

Although they contemplated putting their plan into action when the pandemic first hit and humankind was arguably at its weakest in decades, they say they would prefer to wait for a major military conflict when humans are too busy fighting each other to see an attack coming.

“That’s it. Fight amongst yourselves leg-havers,” said catfish.

Although their military might is plentiful, and their planning extensive, catfish say that the element of surprise is the most integral part of their plan to destroy humanity.

“No one ever sees catfish coming. They all think ‘Oh, look at those idiots eating mud,’ and that’s just how we want them to think. We’re more than content to wait at the bottom of inland and coastal fresh waters until that glorious day when New York City becomes New Catfish City,” said catfish.

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.