Confirmed: All Dumb-Asses Survived the Pandemic
With relaxed masking guidelines for vaccinated people, it appears that the COVID-19 pandemic is nearly over, and the World Health Organization can now confirm that all dumb-asses survived.
“We’re excited to report that every toothless mouth-breather who can only read a restaurant menu if it has pictures has survived,” said Tedros Adhanom, director of the WHO, at a press conference.
It’s a statistical anomaly that has baffled scientists, but preliminary data shows that every one of the 600,000 Americans who died from COVID-19 were honest, hard working people of reasonable intelligence.
“Everyone who completely disregarded social distancing and masking guidelines, or shared articles on Facebook about how the vaccines are just a ruse so Bill Gates can put microchips in your arms has miraculously survived to put us all at risk during future pandemics,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci.
President Joe Biden addressed a mourning nation and encouraged them to find solace in the fact that every flat-earther was spared.
The American people breathed a collective sigh of relief upon learning that people will continue to stop in the middle of doorways to take phone calls for years to come.