Madison Cawthorn Only in Wheelchair to be Closer to Personal Hero Hitler
Asheville, NC — Recently unveiled security camera footage shows allegedly crippled Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn walking around. When confronted with the footage, Cawthorn said that he has been faking his disability this whole time and that he stays in a wheelchair to be close to his personal hero, Adolf Hitler.
“Standing only makes me a couple of feet taller, but I can’t bear the thought of being that much farther away from Hitler who is burning in hell right below our feet,” said Cawthorn.
The logo of Cawthorn’s personal real estate company includes Nazi iconography and Cawthorn has visited Hitler’s vacation home, but his obsession goes much further than previously thought.
Along with yearning to be as close as possible to Hitler’s damned soul, Cawthorn’s personal study includes shelves of Hitler action figures, posters of boy bands with Hitler’s face photoshopped on every member, and a Hitler beanie baby on his bed that he snuggles with at night when he gets scared.
Since first becoming a public figure, Cawthorn has asserted that a 2014 car accident left him paralyzed from the waist down, but now he admits that was a total fabrication that was intended to let him live life in a wheelchair.
“Check this shit out,” said Cawthorn before can-canning up the staircase to a library for which he voted against building a ramp.
