Mitch McConnell Cries Through Mascara, Puts On Brave Face After Trump Announces Presidential Campaign

“Mitch McConnell” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Washington DC — While many Republican voters are thrilled that former President Trump will be running for a third time, Republican leaders including Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell aren’t taking it so well according to an unnamed staffer.

McConnell reportedly locked himself in his office, inconsolable. He stared at himself in the mirror sitting on top of a Victorian vanity as tears powerful enough to break through his thick layer of black mascara left trails on his cheeks.

Aides knocked on the door, telling McConnell that the media would be expecting a statement from him, but the Senator from Kentucky was only interested in running his fingers along a grainy, black and white photo of his Senate majority from back in 2020.

When his staff finally got the door unlocked, they had to duck out of the path of a vase McConnell had thrown in anger which shattered into pieces against the wall.

Already stressed from Republicans’ poor performance and the midterms and challenges to his leadership position, staffers had to spend several minutes brushing his hair and cleaning his face with a warm cloth before he was calm enough to speak to the press.

“I’m thrilled at this announcement. I think this kind of enthusiasm is exactly what the party needs after the midterms,” said McConnell, barely keeping it together.



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Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at with a job offer.