National Security Blunder! Biden Accidentally Pardons Turkey Awaiting Trial for its Role in the January 6th Insurrection
Washington DC — President Biden pardoned two turkeys in keeping with Presidential Thanksgiving tradition. Unfortunately, he did not do his due diligence in vetting these particular birds and pardoned one that was still awaiting trial for its part in the January 6th attack on the Capitol.
“Months of preparing for this case down the drain,” said Linda Monroe, the lead federal prosecutor in this particular case.
By receiving a Presidential pardon, that turkey is absolved of any consequences and will face no jail time for its alleged federal crime. He was charged with obstruction and multiple counts of assault but was part of the roughly 75% of those arrested who are still awaiting trial.
“There was no fowl play,” joked Biden in front of the press before pardoning, foolishly unaware of how wrong he was.
Prosecutors had amassed mounds of evidence including news footage of the attack showing the turkey scaling the Capitol wall and kicking a police officer that had been knocked to the ground with its little turkey feet. They claim they also had photographs and medical records showing three red marks on the officer’s abdomen which largely resemble a turkey’s talons.
National security officials claim that the turkey still adamantly denies the results of the 2020 election and there’s no telling what he’s capable of now that he’s a free bird.