Ring-Chasing Abby Wambach Signs with Brooklyn Nets

“Abby Wambach” by jcantroot is licensed under CC BY 2.0

New York, NY — Retired womens soccer star, Abby Wambach, has signed a 1-year contract with the Brooklyn Nets of the NBA per her agent.

Wambach joins a growing list of aging stars that have joined the Nets in recent days in the hopes of winning a championship, including Blake Griffin and LaMarcus Aldridge. Wambach was not shy about her ring-chasing intentions.

“I’m not getting any younger. I’m 40 years old and I retired from professional soccer 6 years ago so the window for me to win an NBA championship is closing fast,” said Wambach.

Many have questioned whether a 5’11”, 40-year-old woman with virtually no basketball experience can contribute to an NBA basketball team, but Sean Marks, the Nets general manager, says that isn’t a concern.

“Look, anyone who wants to ride this bandwagon can get a ticket,” said Marks. “As long as you can clap on the bench and hand a water bottle to Kevin Durant so he doesn’t get too parched after scoring 45 points, then I want you on the team.”

The Nets are reportedly also in talks with Ichiro Suzuki, Dale Earnhardt Jr., and Jesse Owens’ ghost.

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.