Rush Limbaugh to Bury Self Rather Than Accept “Handout” From Gravediggers

“Rush Limbaugh & Donald Trump” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Palm Beach FL — Conservative radio host, Rush Limbaugh, has died at the age of 70, but is still expected to dig his own grave as a final condemnation of “handouts.”

“Am I just supposed to let someone else dig my grave? I’m not some kind of welfare queen. I’ll rest when I’m dead AND buried. And here’s the problem with women going to college,” said Limbaugh on his deathbed.

Limbaugh reportedly voiced his displeasure at the idea of someone else digging his grave, carrying his casket, and conducting the sermon at his funeral, so he will do it all himself. He vowed that he would reanimate for just long enough to do all these tasks before returning to his eternal rest.

He is expected to dig his grave in the middle of an outdoor shopping center rather than a cemetery because “the government shouldn’t be able to regulate where dead bodies are buried.”

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.