Terrified of Confrontation, Clarence Thomas Plots to Make His Marriage Illegal Rather Than Ask For Divorce

A stoic gaze hides a deep fear of communication and honesty.

Washington D.C. — In the wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned by the Supreme Court, there’s been lots of speculation that contraception, gay marriage, and even interracial marriage could lose federal protections next.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas recently disclosed to the media that he is in fact trying to make interracial marriages like his own illegal so that he doesn’t have to breach the uncomfortable subject divorce with his wife, Ginni.

“Moving to a state that bans interracial marriage and telling her our marriage is illegal seems like a much easier conversation than telling her I haven’t loved her since six months after the wedding,” said Justice Thomas.

In his majority opinion when overturning Roe, Thomas wrote of other long-standing Supreme Court decisions that would be worth revisiting. Though at the time it seemed like he was a lunatic trying to instill a theocracy, it turns out he just can’t stand the sight of his wife’s melted cat face.

As one of the main reasons for wanting a divorce after 35 years of marriage, Thomas sites an unspoken but clearly present rage directed at him when he’s with Ginni ever since he confided in her that all the Anita Hill stuff was absolutely true.

Thomas claims that he has the divorce papers ready to go but is too squeamish to hand them to her. He’s contemplated sticking them to the refrigerator with a magnet before skipping town and folding them up and leaving them on the inside of her sleeping mask, but always puts it off.

“I’ve also thought about faking my death but my life is honestly pretty sweet otherwise. I’m probably going to stick with fucking everyone else over rather than dealing with my own personal issues. You’re not going to put this in the thing are you?” said Thomas.



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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls


Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.