Tiger Woods Unlikely to Play Sports Again, Golf Still Entirely Possible

“Tiger Woods PGA Golf Professional” by James Marvin Phelps is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

Rancho Palos Verdes CA — Legendary golfer, Tiger Woods, has sustained multiple leg injuries in a car crash. As a result, he is unlikely to be able to play any sports ever again and will have to settle for golf.

“With injuries this severe, we advise patients not to do anything even remotely athletic. Running and jumping are completely off the table. He’ll only be able to do activities where he stands completely still and is driven around in a cart by a younger man, like golf,” said Woods’s physician.

His athletic career was already in question at 45 years old after five back surgeries, but the events of today have almost ensured that he will only be able to play golf at the highest level.

“I wouldn’t even recommend bowling. Some of those bowling balls weigh up to 15 pounds and the food sold at bowling alleys has way more saturated fat than is recommended for someone his age,” said Woods’s physical therapist.

His physical therapist also pointed out just how unprecedented this particular set of injuries is, saying, “Whenever we see someone who’s had five back surgeries and emergency leg surgery, they are usually 80-years-old, living in a retirement home, and playing golf.”

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.

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