The Power of Belief
Day 10: I know I will have it. Period.
I haven’t done very well yet. Now it is the beginning of 10th day since I started this journey. I had wanted to do several things. Some are done. At some others, I keep postponing, procrastinating, so failing. I will definitely finish those too. There is no way things will go on like this. There is no way I will not increase my speed to much higher levels. There is no way I will not do better and better for the rest of the journey.
I have been keeping this journal, although once in a few days instead of everyday. This is very important. This gives me awareness of my journey. This makes me realize that I am on the way. I will reach there.
I believe. There is zero doubt. It is very similar to when you are preparing your suitcase and you have your flight ticket on the coffee table. You know that you are on the way. Maybe flight will be postponed for a few hours; but it doesn’t change anything. You are set. You are going. Now for me, it is the same. I have zero doubt that I am on the way. It is like a daily thing. Ordinary. However, still pulling; still motivating.
Concentration
I have difficulty in this. I cannot focus. Yes, ADD and this and that and blah blah blah. People make muscles. I can improve this. I am trying. I have thought of some little practices. Every day, I will be solving problems on Project Euler in limited amount of time. This is one practice. Another practice will be after my prayers. I will sit down and concentrate on a single thought without wandering away. I know it is very difficult to stop thinking of the elephant. However, I do better. I don’t try to stop thinking of other things. I just want to try to think of one thing. I am not good now. Not at all. I will get better. If I want to run big businesses, if I want to serve millions of people, I have to learn how to sit down and focus on one single thing at a time.
Excellence
It motivates me. I have told in the beginning that perfection is my enemy. Excellence is the logical middle way between neurotic perfection and being mediocre. I love it when I do something good. I love it more when I do something better. Mediocrity kills people in a different way than perfection does. You look like you are doing something. You feel like you accomplish things. You will probably not find yourself in a total mess like my life is now. However, it is like being a wasted creation. You come to earth, spend some time here, then leave without leaving anything meaningful behind. Mediocre has to die quickly. It cannot last your lifetime. It is not going to be alive after you. Even if it something that had the chance to survive, nobody will remember who made it. It will be invisible. It will not be appreciated.
Don’t be a perfectionist the way I have been. However, please, don’t accept mediocrity either. It is just… mediocre.
Excellence will give you energy. It will fill you with hope. Even now, as a man in a very difficult situation with all the low feelings and a state of mind that can be scientifically called depression, thinking of doing the next thing I will do excellently gives me a little fuel to move on.
Work
I have applied for a position in a developer network. I am not sure if I will pass the interviews because it is very difficult for me to draw a positive profile in my current situation. (I hate using the same word again and again. I should find alternatives for “situation”) I just try. If I can get some projects from there, my life will suck less. I will be able to at least pay the rent and bills and eat better food. I can actually start even paying some debts. We will see…
I am not really confident. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t kill my chances by simply showing up as a failure. I was actually good in the introduction and the first interview.
Then there is this test with 3 questions that you have to solve in 90 minutes. There I sucked. First question was done in about 20 minutes. That was slower than I could have done; but it was okay. Second question was something I can code in a similar amount of time, if not less. However I got lost. I just lost my focus. Started to act stupidly. I have lost a whole hour on that 10-15 minutes thing! I couldn’t submit it. I don’t know if they will accept the situation. I didn’t tell that I have ADD; but I sincerely wrote and explained that I lost my focus and the comparison of my performance between the two questions should be somewhat proof of it. (The system records your every change and they can replay it.) I guess they will write back today or tomorrow.
Anyways, this is not moving forward in the journey unless I automate/scale it. No developer job would pay 1 billion dollars in three years. Even if someone goes crazy and offers that, it is not going to satisfy me. My target is not just acquiring one billion dollars. It is also the way I do it so following years will be much more.
So, this is not a step forward in my journey. It is just to ease my life and solve the basics so I can focus on moving forward faster and healthier. I will not lose my focus. I will not lose my motivation. I am not in this journey because I am a failure now. Some kind of financial security will not change anything except making my journey easier and more fun. I am not going to let myself get cozy.
I told you, I believe. And belief is powerful.
