Codependent Recovery. Month 4.

A journal entry.

Have you ever been in a very good workout session? Where you experienced sweat dripping in all sorts of places and whiles gasping for air you manage to finish that last exercise when suddenly the coach drops a 2 minute surprise plank. You’re first though is ‘fuck, I’ve got nothing left’ but you still manage to pull it of through sheer mental strenght.

You know what I’m talking about? Well, therapy is the same. I’ve been in my recovery 4 months now. I have to admit, I’m drained, I look like shit most of the days I’m exhausted… Because it’s hard work and it’s exactly the reason why most people don’t do it. I promise you if you decide to go through therapy it will destroy you before it will rebuild you. And you will want to quit. You will want to say ‘fuck it, I’ll just go back to my old ways, this shit is too much for me, it doesn’t even work because I’m feeling worse than I felt before, most people are fine without therapy so why should I go through all this pain’. This is exactly the moment where you have to keep coming back.

I thought by now I would have found myself and will be hopping through life all excited and codependent no more but nop. Not even close, my hopping is slow crawling at most. Yet, I do have to admit, I’m starting to notice change. Change inside. Small things.

Discipline. I’ve noticed I’m more consistent in taking responsibility and waking up for the things that require constant effort like running, exercise, writing, playing piano or swimming. I’m investing time to connect with my spirituality through mindful prayer, affirmations, nature and mediation. I’ve managed to leave parties at the right time before I get too involved with certain destructive pleasures. Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed with my emotions and I just want to runaway, call my friends or text certain people that I constantly cling on — I stop myself, put the phone down and just stay still with the uncomfortable feelings (followed by crying). I don’t say I’m ‘ok’ anymore if I don’t feel like it and I’m not scared to make someone else uncomfortable with my openness and truth. If I notice myself trying to people-please I leave the situation.

Fun. That amount of discipline and self-control can lead to a very boring life, I know. I’m trying to exercise fun. If I feel bored, I go to an ecstatic dance session or swimming with a friend, or make pancakes for friends. I say yes to going to a concert with a friend on a Sunday evening, arrange a pic-nick in the park or playing group-games (I have to admit, I used to hate group games but I’m now learning to enjoy them more). I’m still quite rigid understanding how to have fun without getting fucked up… But slowly I’m saying yes to more playful activities that don’t involve extensive amounts of alcohol or drugs.

Judging. I judge a lot. Mainly because I really don’t like myself. I’m finding it hard to like myself the way I am. I’ve always find it hard. I remember having thoughts of self-hate back when I was 5. I’ve never exercised self-love. It’s hard not to judge others when I am constantly judging myself so harshly. Nevertheless, I am willing to put in the work of loving kindness. What does that mean? Well, if I get really angry with myself for doing something destructive and start feeling guilt and resentment, ex. “Why am I always so stupid, why can’t I make better decisions for myself? Why can’t I be more like….” you get the drill. In that moment (if I catch myself) I tell myself “Showing up is enough, I am enough, I’m here, I will never leave you, I am a valuable person”. Sounds fucking stupid, I know. Yet I’ve been neglected by my family a lot. I always felt guilty for not being able to fix my family. I carried tremendous shame of my parents drinking. I was never given the opportunity to make my own choices. I was never listened to. I was never trusted with any responsibilities. I was never told any important family matters because I was being ‘protected’ from pain. My parents did the best they could with the little information they had. They thought that was love. They didn’t know that what they were teaching me is to feel close to no-value as a person. (ref. “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck)

So what? Everybody has problems.YES! Exactly. Many people are raised to believe that they are not valuable, that their voice doesn’t matter, that their actions don’t matter or that their choices don’t matter. That is the pinnacle of our social problems. The world is suffering, many non-valued children are suffering. Most adults never become grown ups, did you know that? Most of us are stuck like Peter-Pan. Never changing, never evolving, never growing. The biggest misconception is thinking that not growing is staying still but the opposite of growth is shrinking, loss, stagnation. If you are not growing spiritually, mentally, physically — you’re not stuck. You’re shrinking. I don’t want to preach. It’s your choice and you will live a life no matter what you choose. It’s a decission that each of us make consciously or unconsciously.

Love. I had no idea what a loving and healthy relationships are. Everything I’ve learned about love was from my broken family system, movies, books and teen-magazines… Oh boy was I suprised when I actually started diging into the topic of love. Love is work. A lot of vulnerability, openness, discipline and responsibility first for my own life and growth and then another persons growth. As a child I never felt like a valuable person. As a grown up, I am learning to love more openly, to get informed, to seek wisdom, to make my own choices and take responsibility for my thoughts, actions and finally my life. Most of this work will never be seen by the eyes of another. No one will ever know how far you traveled, how much you’ve hurt and bruised, how much you overcome. Except you. And that will be more than enough.

I am broken, tired and most days feel like shit but at the same time I feel that I’m growing and it’s infectious. I will continue with my therapy. I want to keep growing, playing, creating and loving. I know I have a long way to go and will require more openness, willingness and most importantly a lot of work.