A Rift in the Foreskin Inter-Dimensional Gateway
Parsha Tazria
Parsha Summary: The Parshah of Tazria continues the discussion (begun in the previous Parshah of Shemini) of the laws of tum’ah v’taharah, ritual impurity and purity.
I guess I should start at the beginning.
There is no easy way to describe my journey from Protector of the Manhood to Shriveled Showpiece of the Bored.
My function in life was to serve.
I took that role very seriously. I may be small, but I felt vital to the whole operation. G-d chose me to be the guardian of man’s most critical component to reproduction, the penis. Whenever the son’s of Adam were ready to procreate, I unveiled the head, erect for action. My purpose was clear. The tip was sensitive and only a foreskin with retractable parts could do the job. We were one. Penis and foreskin. A seamless interchange since the day the child was born.
And then came G-d’s decree.
“On the eighth day, the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised.”
What did I do to deserve that? How did I anger G-d so badly that he wanted me and every other foreskin sliced from the body? What did I do? I was assured by Dick that it was all a horrendous mix-up. The Testi’s backed up Dick’s theory. Why would G-d create man in his image and then order parts removed? Was I a mistake?
Maybe this was all part of his natural plan.
My owner gave me one last tug for reassurance. It felt good. I almost let slip the head as I basked in the attention. That’s when I saw the knife hurtling toward me. It all happened so fast. A flash of blade. A sudden, sharp sensation as my connection to man was severed. And BAM! I was an ex-foreskin on the highway of life.
I was hoisted up high. Held aloft between the grubby fingers of an Israelite. Twitching in pain. My wound fresh as I watched my blood drip between his fat digits. I screamed again and again. I simply could not comprehend why G-d wanted me removed. The Mohel (man who performs the circumcision) began to dance and call for a toast. I could hear cheering and wild celebrations all around me. Everybody was buzzing. A drop of wine splashed onto my carcass and stung.
I was in pain.
What good was I now? I felt a sense of confusion and loss. I’m but a foreskin without a purpose. A defender of the crown jewels guarding an empty room. A close companion with no one to comfort. An accomplice to procreation removed, cut away, and discarded like an unmatched sock.
The Mohel tossed me aside.
My misshapen lump of a body somersaulted through the air. Hurtling at speed, the wall of a tent fast approaching, I knew the impact would kill the last nerve endings that survived the blade. As I was about to hit, I felt a strange pull, a force that tugged at me from all directions. I was being drawn towards something…
And then, I was gone.
Pulled into some kind of weird rift, I found myself blustering through a kaleidoscope of colors and shapes. I had no sense of up or down, left or right, only the feeling of motion and the endless cacophony of the rift.
For what felt like an eternity, I was trapped in this limbo, adrift in a realm beyond time and space. I was a piece of flesh, a forgotten relic of my owner’s body, lost in the void.
But then, something changed. The rift began to shrink, and I felt a new sensation, a kind of pressure building around me. And then, with a sudden burst of energy, I was ejected tracing a large arc through the air toward a new world.
“Got another one Kev.”
“What the fuck are they?”
“Don’t know mate. Weird little fuckers. Squirming around like that. How many we got now?”
“Probs enough to take back to the lab. I saw your mate Steve get hit with a dozen. Smack between the eyes. It’s like they appear out of thin air. Carol said they look like your dick! All shriveled up and nasty looking.”
“Carol can fuck right off. I’m bagging this one up and calling it a night. Reckon we’ve got enough samples for Head Office.”
“Sound. Makes you wonder though, doesn’t it? What exactly is its purpose?”
