A Year In Rewind (Reverse Poem): A Rosh Hashanah Stroll Around The Block With Canines
Have you ever had one of those moments where you just felt stuck in your own head? When you know that your mental headspace is not serving you but negativity in its many forms seems to have set up camp in your brain and is using your neurons for kindling?
I hope I am not the only one raising my hand and nodding right now. This negativity takeover happens to me frequently and can seriously feel like a hostage situation. The worst part of having negativity sloshing around in my thoughts is that it never seems to come alone. Nope, negativity brings a party, and their friends and I have a toxic relationship.
Negativity always invites depression, anxiety, bad memories, and a host of poor habits to the party. All their noise drives out concentration, planning, and motivation — and so, I get stuck, in my own head, with negative thoughts on repeat. For me, at least lately, it seems envy is there too, and she’s always pushing my buttons.
Friday was like that for me. I had a host of things happen that I won’t get into right now that led me to feel stressed out and overwhelmed with my life. The stressful situations were everywhere I went — both at home and at work, so besides the cognitive paralysis, I was feeling I also felt threatened and on edge in the spaces available to me to spend time. By the middle of the day, I was numb, and every happy person I passed made me somehow more bothered. How is it that they can feel — well, feelings? How is it that I have to encounter all of these f*’d up situations? Can’t I have a turn at being successful AND enviable?
The day went by and I could not shake the yuck out of my head. Finally, I decided to take the dogs for a walk. I live in an adequate apartment on the border of a nice suburb. As I was walking I was struck by the images that I was taking in. All were pleasant and positive. I felt like I walked into a Norman Rockwell painting for a minute. The crisp fall air enlivened my lungs, while I had glimpses of “better” lives through picture windows.
As I turned the corner, I realized that my envy was really just a signal for goals I had let excuses stop me from reaching. There were even a few feelings with regard to traditional “American Dreams” which had nothing to do with what I actually want in my life. So why even waste energy on envy?
As I walked I started composing a poem in my head and it clicked that my poem needed to reverse itself. Or rather, I needed to turn my feelings on their head and flip my perspective.
The result was a reverse poem, a poem meant to be read top-down and then again line by line from the bottom-up.
A Year In Rewind (Reverse Poem): A Rosh Hashanah Stroll Around The Block With Canines
It was a beautiful night.
I turned the corner
On a walk with my dogs
Down a street much nicer than mine.
My sorrow for myself
Trumps
My happiness for them
Because at the end of the day
I have a right to complain
I’m in no position to believe
Happiness can’t be bought.
Who knew?
Their Norman Rockwell perfections, framed in their picture windows —
Were illusions of superiority?
Yet Held in the heart,
Encircled in the laughter of good friends
Surrounded by stardust
Cool Air giving goodnight kisses,
Existential thoughts dancing
Green eyes
Smiling
It was a beautiful night?
Why didn’t you tell me —
That there was only so much to go around.
I’m not worthy —
It’s a lie that
Success comes through perseverance and consistency,
It’s true that
They are better off than me.
Right now,
What’s the point of comparisons —
Trying to get ahead
Makes me doubt the value of
Being here
On this beautiful night.
(Reverse poems are meant to be read forward and then backward.)
