An Idiot’s Guide to Hanukkah
It’s the season to be giving and jolly…wait…that’s not how Jews roll!
Practically all Jewish festivals feature hardship and suffering. They tend to lean on the remembrance side. Remember when we were slaves to Pharaoh and for the love of Christ, he wouldn’t let us go? Or remember when we had to wander the desert for forty years snacking on shit takeaway from Heaven? What about that time some crazy loon wanted to wipe out all the Jews thanks to some nefarious plot to be the King’s number one?
I like to say Hanukkah is different. And it is…sort of.
This Jewish festival celebrates a win. The world’s most fearsome army rescues the day despite being holed up in a temple praying to G-d. But let's start with the basics…
Hanukkah or Chanukah? It all depends on how you pronounce your Hebrew. There are actually sixteen versions to spelling Hanukkah and at least 14 of them are wrong.
Pity the fools who insist on calling it Chanuga like some dodgy brand of tea. No one can quite agree on the translation either. In typical Jewish fashion, there are several theories as to why it’s named Hanukkah. These range from ‘dedication’ as in the Maccabees rededicated the Temple after taking control of Jerusalem and slaughtering the opposition to the day they rested (25th day of Kislev). Most simply stop at The Festival of Lights which is no translation whatsoever.
Antiochus IV was a prick. This King hated the Jews and massacred as many of them as he could. After invading Judea and ransacking the 2nd Temple, he wasted no time in outlawing Judaism and banned brit milah. Not content, Antiochus slaughtered some pigs and sacrificed the fat trotters on the altar of the Jewish temple.
“Take that Jewish Swine. I piss in your general direction. Now show me your intact penis so I can gloat some more.”
Naturally, the Jews were very upset and elected Judah as their new leader.
Judah didn’t take shit from anyone and it wasn’t long before he led a revolt against the disgusting Greeks and their sodomy. They don’t call him Judah the Hammer for anything.
Once the Greeks had been routed, Judah and his fierce Maccabees wanted to sanction their win by offering a sacrifice to G-d. They would have straight away but those dirty Greeks had left the Temple in a right old state. There was pigs' blood everywhere, virgins lolling around, shit-stained laundry, and nobody had dusted in an age.
Ordering a massive clean-up, Judah rededicated the Temple once a new altar and holy vessels had been built. Somebody, whose one job was to make more olive oil for the candles, seriously fucked up. One job. Not naming names, Judah decided to go ahead with the ceremony regardless.
Muttering ברוך השם (borekh hashem) under his breath, the Big Macs lit the candle. Lo and behold, a miracle happens. Night after night they manage to light all eight candles on their gold diamond-encrusted Menorah (actually called a hanukkiah but English speakers are stupid).
“Fuck me. If that ain’t a miracle then I don’t know what is,” Judah allegedly said.
And thus the Festival of Lights was born.
Here’s how the 12th-century scholar Maimonides in the Mishneh Torah sums up Hanukkah:
“When, on the twenty-fifth of Kislev, the Jews had emerged victorious over their foes and destroyed them, they re-entered the Temple where they found only one jar of pure oil, enough to be lit for only a single day; yet they used it for lighting the required set of lamps for eight days, until they managed to press olives and produce pure oil. Because of this, the sages of that generation ruled that the eight days beginning with the twenty-fifth of Kislev should be observed as days of rejoicing and praising the Lord. Lamps are lit in the evening over the doors of the homes, on each of the eight nights, so as to display the miracle. These days are called Hanukkah, when it is forbidden to lament or to fast, just as it is on the days of Purim. Lighting the lamps during the eight days of Hanukkah is a religious duty imposed by the sages.”
