“And I shall name him, Samson.”
Parsha Naso
Parsha Naso Summary: More numbers, more counting, and the introduction of a certain type of woman your parents warn you about, the adulterer. The longest parsha in the Torah also describes the Nazarite lifestyle of abstinence and hippy-length hair.
This week’s parsha will be based on the Haftarah of Manoah (a selection from one of the biblical books of the Judges which concludes the service).
The goat burst into flames. Great big balls of fire leaped up to the heavens. The fire was bigger than Uncle Joe’s 50th BBQ bash which nearly set the hut on fire and took 220 men, a gazillion gallons of water, and twelve spitting llamas to douse. It was, in the words of one eyewitness, “the mother of all sacrifices.”
“Holy fucking Jehovah and the Brethren of Jerusalem! Did you see that!? Did you fucking see that?”
Manoah was losing his mind!
He offered to make a sacrificial goat to his new best bud, whose name he didn’t catch, only to watch the offering turn into a towering inferno and his best bud ascend to the heavens as if he was some kind of angel.
“Wait. What the fuck just happened? Was he…was that…?”
His wife, unknown until centuries later when people began to question the validity of Samson’s birth, nodded. She had that look that all pious people possess when the miraculous is witnessed by skeptics. The ‘I told you so’ stare of righteousness.
“Yes, dear. That was an angel. I tried to tell you but you kept banging on about goats and wine and demanding cushions for your hemorrhoids.”
Manoah gaped wide-mouth at the sky and pondered the meaning of life.
Tzlalponis, the wife of Manoah, was having trouble sleeping. She was a worrier. She worried about the flock of sheep and where they should eat. She worried about the camels and their tendency to attack strangers in sandals. And she worried about her lack of fertility and being unable to provide a child for Manoah.
She heard from her sisters how men would wander and bring home a second wife. One who provides a son and heir and is younger and fitter for child-rearing duties.
Tzialponis feared for her fate.
One night, as she tossed and turned, half asleep and captured in the throes of a nightmare, she had a vision. A man appeared in her dreams and seductively foretold of her bearing a son.
“And an angel of the Lord appeared to the woman, and said to her, “Behold now, you are barren, and have not borne; and you shall conceive and bear a son.” Judges 13:3
A beautiful boy whose hair would flow and cause all the women to drop their panties at the mere sight of his gorgeous locks. This boy will be as strong as an ox and as fierce as a lion. He’ll lead armies and be hailed as the Greatest of All Time. A man who will conquer the Philistines with two hands tied to a stripper’s pole and be crowned King of Israel.
Tzialponis tried to contain her excitement. Her whole body trembled with the news. She was finally going to have a child. A miracle boy.
“There’s a catch,” the dream figure said, “you can’t smoke or drink and get shit-faced on a Saturday night. No more wine or party shots. And no unclean food…you know what I’m talking about…bacon butties and those nasty oysters. It stops right now.”
Tzialponis agreed and proclaimed her son to be a Nazirite (an individual who accepts a vow to live a lifestyle that includes abstention from wine, haircutting, and contact with a corpse). It was the least she could do.
When Tzialponis awoke from her slumber she rushed outside to find Manoah. She couldn’t wait to tell him the news and her good fortune.
Manoah was a simple man. All he ever wanted was a son. Somebody to help out with the chores and massage his aching feet. Life in biblical times was hard.
“Wait up woman. So you’re telling me an angel visited you while you were having your afternoon nap and said he’ll make you pregnant? How’s he planning on doing that? Are you seeing someone?”
Manoah wasn’t convinced.
Usually, in this neck of the woods, it’s the man who receives word from G-d. Why wasn’t he told? News as important as this should be delivered to the husband. Manoah decides he’ll make a call to G-d personally and ask the Lord to send the angel again, this time to meet him.
“And Manoah entreated the Lord, and said, “Please, O Lord, the man of God whom You sent, let him come now again to us, and teach us what we shall do to the lad that will be born.” 13:8
Bit cheeky. G-d doesn’t usually ask twice but in this case, He made an exception.
And so the angel popped down to Earth and surprised Tzialponis in the field. Gasping with excitement, she immediately scampered as fast as she could to find her disbelieving husband.
Manoah wasn’t to be fooled. He once spent a week in the big city lights of Jericho and considered himself a man of the world. He could smell a con a mile off. The man standing with them refused to introduce himself. He was acting very suspicious. Even so, once his wife confirmed it was the same man, Manoah believed G-d had answered his prayer.
“And Manoah said, “Now your words will come forth; what shall be the rule for the lad, and his doing?” 13:12
The man repeated all that he told Tzialponis. “No drinking wine. No drugs. No bacon. And don’t ever touch a corpse even if it’s this idiot of a husband of yours.”
“Mate, I’ve heard this all before. Nel the Soothsayer read me tea leaves last week and she said the exact same thing. But I’m a generous man. I like you. You have a certain way with words, a certain manner. Let me make a sacrifice, a kid goat, in your name, to thank G-d for this wonderful news.”
“No names. Sorry. It’s against the code.”
“How can I make a sacrifice if I don’t know to whom I pledge? Can you see my predicament, my friend?”
The man shrugged. “Sorry, I don’t eat. I hate goat. Upsets my stomach. I get the proper frights in the morning. You can make this sacrifice to G-d. No need to mention my name.”
Manoah went ahead with the sacrifice as his wife and the stranger looked on.
“And it was, when the flame went up from upon the altar toward heaven, and the angel of the Lord ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on, and they fell on their faces to the ground.” 13:20
Manoah shat his pants at the heavenly sight.
He had stood before an angel and mocked him. He questioned G-d’s authority and worse, he heard His voice. He was in a panic. Manoah began to wail and plead. He lay strewn on the ground begging for forgiveness.
His wife was nonplussed.
“Get up, Manoah,” she said. “If G-d wanted us dead, He could’ve struck us with a frog or boiled us alive or something. Weren’t you listening? I am to be the Mother of the GOAT. He wants me alive and to swear my unborn baby’s life to that of a Nazir.”
Before his very eyes, Tzialponis’s belly grew fertile with child.
“And the woman bore a son and called his name Samson; and the lad grew, and the Lord blessed him. 13:24
“Blasphemy!” cried one woman as she read the Alternative Torah by Reuben Salsa. She was shocked by the language and disturbed by the immoral tales of lust and idolatry from the bible. Worse, she suspected Salsa was being very liberal with the truth. Was any of this true?
“Hey, if you believe the bible to be real, then this is a true account of the untold stories.”
Sign up for a subscription today and read what all the fuss is about.
