Jewish Facts About Reuben the Biblical Sinner
What’s in a name? Reuben is pretty great apart from the fact many people can’t spell my name correctly. Some even have trouble pronouncing it. Roo-ben? Roo-bin? Roo-burn?
However you say it, Reuben’s sordid biblical history is the tale of legends.
Reuben was a firstborn. The eldest son of Leah and Jacob.
He was destined to inherit the Earth if it wasn’t for that pesky do-gooder joyous of a delightful son, Joseph, and his fruity coat of multicolors. Nobody liked that coat. Not really. It was garish and an affront to fashion. Nobody really liked Joseph either. Sniveling little wretch. Always bleating to mummy about some weird dream or other.
Jacob and Reuben never really got on.
For a start, he was the oldest son of Jacob’s first wife, Leah, and not his favorite, Rachel. He secretly hated Reuben who was a reminder of how he was tricked into marrying Leah. Thanks to this misconduct, the Rabbi (and the male side of the family) inspects the bride to make sure she is who she claims to be.
Jacob wept and sang praises to G-d the first time he got his lips onto Rachel after waiting fourteen, long years.
If Reuben was in therapy today he would recount all the years his father failed to show him love and respect. He didn’t ask to be the firstborn or become the leader of the twelve tribes of Israel. Reuben couldn’t help fucking up. Everything he did wasn’t good enough for his father.
Reuben translates as ‘See, Son.’
This is a novel way to describe a child with a penis by the midwife. Jacob saw no need to alter this fact and wasn’t interested in fathering children with Leah. He just wanted to get his sticky mitts on Rachel.
“A son? I see,” replied Jacob on the news of his firstborn. Fertile Leah wanted and yearned for Jacob’s love. “G‑d has seen my suffering, for now my husband will love me,” declared Leah before Jacob shrugged and went back to rollicking in his field with the sheep dreaming of Rachel’s titties.
And Leah kept trying. Son after son. Birth after birth but still no love from Jacob. “Just doing my duty. A man has needs Leah. Don’t even think That I love you more than Rachel. Shit…that woman is hot. I get excited just thinking about her…now bend over.”
One day, Reuben, the bitter disappointment of a failed marriage, being the sensitive soul that he was, picked some life-affirming flowers for his Mom. Delighted with the duda’im (translated as “mandrakes” or “jasmine” ), Leah traded the flowers with her sister-wife. Sniggering, she offered the fertility herbs to the barren Rachel, “these are GUARANTEED to make a baby. Rub the flowers over your twat and the seed will bloom for Jesus.” In return, Leah bought another night with Jacob. A union that produced their fifth son, Yissachar.
After Rachel died, Reuben wasted no time in humping his dad’s concubine, Bilhah. Or so the story goes and what Jacob wanted to believe. Disappointed by his son’s actions, he stripped Reuben of his firstborn status and gave that honor to Joseph (Rachel’s firstborn).
The only course of action for Reuben was murder. It was time to dispense with the charming cretin Joseph and his stupid coat. He couldn’t wait to slaughter Joe. But Reuben lacked follow-through. He was heavy with regret and in constant need of affirmation from his Father.
When Joseph was thrown into a pit, Reuben planned to secretly return and rescue the heir to the throne of Jacob. Imagine his surprise when the brothers told him they sold that fucker to some passing gypsies.
Poor Reuben failed to win the respect of his Father.
Jacob never forgot how he had slept with his concubine in his very own bed, FORTY-SEVEN YEARS AGO! Jacob’s dying words to Reuben were:
“Reuben, you are my firstborn, my power and the beginning of my might, foremost in rank and foremost in power. Water-like impetuosity — you will not be preeminent, for you went up onto your father’s bed; onto my couch and defiled it.”
And thus Reuben never received the priesthood (“foremost in rank”) and kingship (“foremost in power”) due to him as the firstborn. Bitter-old Jacob, twisted from fourteen years of marriage to Leah, gave that honor to his brothers Levi and Judah.
But here’s the thing.
Reuben never slept with Bilhah. He thought Jacob’s actions, keeping his handmaiden’s bed in his tent, was a slap in the face to his mother. That Jacob preferred the company of Bilhah over his mother was disgusting behavior. And so Reuben sought to remedy the situation by removing Bilhah’s bed from the tent and into Leah’s tent.
Defiled your bed? No, Jacob, your narrative is fucked up. Forty-seven years and you still hold a grudge. Fuck you, Jacob!
Not such a bad boy. More misunderstood.
Reuben lived to 150 years old and his descendants would number 46,500. It is said that Reuben regretted his misdeeds and would fast, don sackcloth, and engage in repentance. He is considered to be the first to open the portal of repentance (teshuvah).
Reuben, the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Israel.
