Parshat Tetzaveh
Live From the Opening of the Mishkan
This week’s Parshat summary: The priest's (kohanim) garments are described along with detailed instructions for the seven-day initiation on how to become a priest. Finally, there’s mention of how to build the altar and for lighting the menorah.
“It’s the hottest ticket in town. Yes, we’re talking red carpet. The event of the year. Coming live and exclusive from the Opening of the Mishkan somewhere near Mount Sinai. Sit back and enjoy the show as we join our reporter, Marcus Goodbody, right after this break.”
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“Welcome back. If you’ve just joined us, we’re here live at the opening of the Mishkan from the foot of Mount Sinai. An exclusive red-carpet event where we’re expecting to see all the Chiefs from the twelve tribes of Israel alongside the Cohens parading the latest in G-d’s fashion. The Chosen People have waited a long time to worship at the altar of G-d and this event promises to be a special night.
Let’s go over to Marcus Goodbody.”
“Good evening Trish. Welcome to the Israelite's live pre-show, red carpet event ahead of the first Mishkan opening. I’m Marcus Goodbody and with me is a fellow fashionista and former singer with the All-Women Tambourine Quartet of G-d, Judith of Bethlehem.”
“Thanks, Marcus. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here tonight. G-d’s signature fashion is the must-have look for the desert spring!”
“That’s right Judith! And Aaron’s assembler is to die for! He’s due to arrive any minute with a custom-made breastplate of gold sequined in jewels and precious stones!”
“Thank you, Marcus. We’re hearing rumors that Moses the Prophet has been omitted from this week’s event. Can you tell us more about this breaking story Marcus?”
“Yeah, sure thing, Trish. It all began with:
And you shall command . . . (27:20)
This is a direct reference to Moses the Prophet. Our sources tell us, Moses, in some future event that only He and G-d are privy to, have a massive falling out. And it’s big! There are curse words, the tablets — which you may remember, had Moses slaving for over forty nights and days inscribing the Ten Commandments — allegedly are smashed to pieces. We also hear that several cult members from the Children of the Exodus will be banished for life.”
“The tablets of stone are smashed?”
“Absolutely, Trish. Hundreds of pieces scattered across the desert floor. And Moses is enraged. It’s unclear what sparked this anger, but he is pissed. I can’t emphasize that enough. You ever go for an ice cream as a kid and just before you get your first lick, the entire ice cream slips off the cone? You get upset right? Throw a wobbly? It’s that type of anger, Trish. Once Moses calms down, the HR Angels pull him aside and I quote:
“If You do not [forgive them], erase me from the book that You have written” (Exodus 32:31).
And that’s exactly what G-d has chosen to do this week.”
“No mention at all?”
“Correct, Trish. Moses’s name has been stricken from the event and we are to refer to him as ‘He who shalt not be mentioned”.
Can you tell us more about the outfits chosen by the priests, Marcus?”
“Absolutely. Look, G-d is attention-detail driven. Everything has its place and everything has to be in its place. Every stone has been carefully selected to represent all twelve tribes of Israel but, get this, they ran out of colors when it came to Benjamin’s tribe. G-d, being the all-powerful divinity we all love, split the stone into 12 colors! How cool is that Trish?!”
“I can see some priests behind you now, Marcus. Is that an apron they’re wearing?”
“The official term is an ephod. I have G-d’s notes here.
They shall make the ephod of gold [thread], blue- and purple- and scarlet- [dyed wool], and fine twined linen, artistic work.
It’s custom-made to fit Aaron and his sons…and…yes…he’s coming over now…Aaron! What an honor it is to see you out tonight on the red carpet. You look AMAZING! We’re looking forward to the sacrifice later this evening, can you tell us a little bit about the preparation?”
“Sure, sure. I’ve been in the propheteering business for almost a decade and G-d has pulled out all the stops. If you think escaping Egypt was tough, undergoing a seven days training course with Moshe nearly fried my brain. I said to Moshe, do you think you’re being too tough on the boys, my beloved sons, and he simply pointed to the heavens. It’s going to be a great show. We have a yearling lamb, a tenth of an ephah of fine flour, a quarter-hin of finely crushed olive oil, and a quarter-hin of wine. It’s going to be crazy! Who needs child sacrifices and virgins when you got a G-d as great as ours?”
“Thank you, Aaron, we’ll leave you to get on with G-d’s work. Mazeltov.”
“We’re going to cut to another commercial break but we’ll be right back with more singularly spectacular fashion and a GOLDEN ALTAR! Don’t go away!
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