Average Sex
Your Comprehensive Guide
If you want to mildly season your sex life, this is the article for you. Too long has there been a hyper-focus on a healthy sex life. Who wants that? That’s far too much pressure. Innate sexiness still seems inextricable from a healthy sex life, and if you’re anything like me, you’re far from sexy. So, here’s your guide to an average sex life.
When aiming for mediocrity, always avoid spontaneity. It’s the enemy. Make sure you meticulously calculate the time and date in which you plan to have sex.
When your lover arrives, make sure you eat first. Fish and large quantities of garlic mash are favourable. Having sex on an empty stomach is far too comfortable and you’ll be tempted to try all kinds of ridiculous positions.
Look into your partner's eyes and say, “would you like to sex?” If you can, it’s also very effective if you ask this from a locked bathroom as you’re sitting on the toilet.
As you remove your clothes, it’s important to stumble as much as possible whilst looking directly at them. If he/she is not looking at you, make sure you request eye contact. Tripping over your socks is a great way to showcase your amateurism.
When naked, make sure you flick/waggle your genitals and mumble disappointingly. This is ritualistic in preparing for average sex.
