Bearing The Night
My dearest and longest friend,
Do you remember when we first met?
We were introduced at the doctor’s office. I was very shy back then.
On the way to the office my mother warned:
“This appointment is going to be long and painful.”
As we pulled into the parking lot she checked on me in the rearview mirror with a nervous smile.
When I got out of the car she met me on my side. She stopped, bent down, peered into my eyes with tenderness and took my hands in hers. She quickly reminded me how brave I was and embraced me tighter and longer than normal. I didn’t know why.
Her love couldn’t prepare me for what was to come.
Once inside I didn’t appear so brave. Like I often did, I nervously hid behind my mother’s leg and gripped it tightly. I poked my head out, just enough to peer into the empty room where I met a stranger’s gaze. Back then I couldn’t hold a gaze. My eyes instantly went to the floor.
Then she introduced me to you. You had a large, generous, and inviting smile. It made me feel more at ease within those sterile walls, beneath those bright lights, and my mother’s sorrowful gaze.
Can you believe we’ve been friends for 17 years? We’ve been inseparable.
In high school we went to sleepovers together, in college we watched Friends reruns in my twin sized bed, and when I spent two years in Korea you went with me to Cambodia and Thailand. We’ve had so many adventures together, the two of us. I have relied on you for much of my life.
You have proven to be a loyal friend. You kept my secrets, comforted my tears, and provided me safety (even though I slept with the lights on). You even endured tug-of-war with my jealous sister.
Four years ago, a stranger entered our life. He didn’t speak like I do, but he snored loudly and shed more hair than I did. He became my second shadow. He went to work with me and even followed me into the shower. He didn’t like to be alone any more than I did. For a while he filled the loneliness in my life. You two didn’t get on quite as well as we did. Tragically the cute little monster nipped your nose. Forgive me for the botched nose job you now have as a result.
After that incident I tried to protect you, just as you have me.
Three years ago another stranger entered our life. This one didn’t snore, but he did speak. He did you a small favor when he forced the hairy black creature onto the floor.
I’m sure you noticed the nights I didn’t come home. I couldn’t take you to my new sleepovers :(
This stranger was special. He quickly became my best friend. Like you he consoled me when I was down. He held me when I woke up from a night terror, and he made me cling to you harder when he was gone.
Unlike you, he was not with me 17 years ago. You were.
You were there when I held my mother’s hand tight, when the doctor said:
“Ashley sweetie, you’re going to feel some pressure and a pinch. This might hurt a little.”
I held you against my chest, closed my eyes to see the darkness long enough to recall why I was there. Long enough to remember him hovering over me, his breath too quick and too loud in the silence of the night.
I flinched at the doctor’s touch and I clutched your arm against my chest. Despite my discomfort you were and smiling.
At first I wasn’t sure why you were with me and then the doctor’s words echoed in my mind “this might hurt…”
I was 10 with my legs propped up, with a clamp and a camera lens inside of me. At 10 I was receiving a pap-smear and screened for sexually transmitted diseases.
After the flashes, pokes, and prodding, I was taken to a room to show and tell what he did to me.
You didn’t leave my side. You stayed with me all day. You didn’t speak to me either. You did let me squeeze you so tight I thought you might explode.
After that day I didn’t sleep without you. When the night came and the darkness settled in so did my panic, squeezing you meant I was safe. You helped me brave that horror. The horror that I thought would cease after he was gone, a horror that haunted me.
You were my guardian of the night for 17 years.
Remember that second stranger who is no longer a stranger? The one who’s weekend visits turned into daily visits, he became my guardian too. Not just in the night, but all of the time. His voice slows my thoughts, his touch steadies my breath, and his love awakens my soul. His presence restored a light in me.
A light that didn’t need a guardian of the night. That didn’t need you anymore.
For 17 years you soaked up my tears and calmed my fears.
Mr. Bear, you’ve been the greatest two feet of fluff that I have ever known. However, our time is coming to an end, although you will still be nearby (you know I could never part with you). I have a human sized bear that keeps me safe now.
I promise this is not goodbye, I could never forget you. After all, you helped me survive the hardest day of my life and many trying nights that came after. I am forever grateful.
Your girl can now bear the night.
Xo Ashley
