Columbo Meets a Fashion Critic
When a hardboiled egg is the in vogue accessory
Fashion Critic: Excuse me, sir? Are you staying at this hotel?
Columbo: Beg your pardon, miss?
Fashion Critic: Are you staying at this hotel?
Columbo: Me? Oh no, no. My wife would have my head if I stayed at a place like this. Too expensive.
Fashion Critic: Then you must be waiting for someone?
Columbo: Oh, I’m sorry. No, nothing like that. To be honest, my name’s Columbo and I’m a Lieutenant with LAPD. There’s been a homicide down the street. I don’t mean to startle you. I just came in hear to clear my head. It’s such a lovely lobby, and these chairs are just so darn comfortable, what with the velvet and all. I’ve accidentally taken many a nap here on my breaks.
Fashion Critic: Oh, I see. That is terrible about the murder. Have you caught anyone yet?
Columbo: To be honest ma’am, could we talk about something else? I’m sorry. Are you a guest here?
Fashion Critic: Yes, I am. I have an hour to kill before the show. I’m a fashion critic for a magazine. There’s a big reveal in town. You may have heard of the Fab Fabric Premier?
Columbo: Can’t say that I have. But that’s interesting.
Fashion Critic: Speaking of interesting, what’s that your wearing? What size is that raincoat?
Columbo: I’m not too sure. I just grabbed the biggest one they had.
Fashion Critic: I can see that. Odd that you wear it, considering the climate here. You couldn’t have gone a size smaller? Is it ever an impediment to your work?
Columbo: No ma’am. I like room to move, and it’s never gotten in my way. Well, occasionally it gets stuck in the driver’s side door…
Fashion Critic: Excuse me, but what’s that bulge in your coat pocket?
Columbo: Oh, would you look at that? I forgot about my breakfast. And it looks like I spilled coffee in the same spot again. Damn. Anyways, this is just a hardboiled egg. I always keep a spare for when I remember I’m hungry.
Fashion Critic: You keep it next to the cigar?
Columbo: Huh? Oh, yes. I like to keep everything in the same pocket. I even got my pen and notepad here, see? Uh oh. Looks like some of the shell cracked. Oh, well.
Fashion Critic: Why is the cigar greenish?
Columbo: Oh that’s just the way they make ’em. Doesn’t have any effect on the flavor. I like this particular brand.
Fashion Critic: Do you always wear your tie untucked from your inner jacket?
Columbo: Truth be told, I tend to forget tucking it in. Haha. I don’t always forget things — I promise!
Fashion Critic: Oh, I’m sure. I am just intrigued by your outfit. I take it you aren’t in the habit of ironing your shirts?
Columbo: I’m not, but my wife is. Hmm, maybe she forgot to do this one. Did I grab this out of the hamper or the closet? Oh, geez. Today I’m kinda fuzzy.
Fashion Critic: That’s alright. I’m enjoying our talk.
Columbo: You know, I am too. It’s nice to get my mind off this case.
Fashion Critic: Those shoes — is that their original color?
Columbo: No ma’am. They’ve faded quite significantly and I haven’t gotten around to polishing them. They used to be solid brown, but now they match my tan coat. So I guess I’m in sync, huh?
Fashion Critic: The colors certainly are matching. What’s those spots on your pants?
Columbo: Oh, wouldya look at that. I’m sorry. I sometimes get to talkin’ and forget to drop my ash in a tray. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made stains. You’d think I was a Dalmatian.
Fashion Critic: Do you also wear different color socks on most days?
Columbo: Huh? Oh, that was intentional. You see, these were the last two socks available in the entire house. My wife, bless her, was in the middle of a wash this morning. She gets up earlier than me, can you believe it? And I get up pretty darn early.
Fashion Critic: Ah, I see. Well, two different makes of socks sure gives you a distinct style.
Columbo: You really think so?
Fashion Critic: I know so.
Columbo: Well, I gotta say it has been a delight to converse with a real fashion authority. I have to head back to the crime scene, but you’ve really helped take my mind off it for a much-needed break.
Fashion Critic: It’s been a pleasure, Lt. Columbo. Goodbye.
Fashion Critic (waves goodbye, then walks to payphone): Hello, Dick? I want to run a piece alongside my Fab Fabric coverage. Yeah, something avantgarde, something opposite of chic.
