Conversation with My Wife (100)
This is Deb, the tech support wizard; and Jack, who can’t recognize his shoes
We are watching TV (Season 8 of Midsomer Murders on Netflix) between dinner and dessert when Deb gets a phone call. I go up to change from office clothes into grubby clothes*; when I get back down, Deb is talking to someone about a problem they’re having.
DEB: Jack is back, Aunt Norma. Hold on. (mutes the phone) She can’t find her contacts on her phone. They’ve vanished.
ME: She has an Android. I can’t “see” those. (on an iPhone I can talk someone through a problem because I can see their phone in my head; I’ve never used an Android, so I’m blind)
DEB: I’m back, Aunt Norma. Jack has the wrong kind of phone. (excuse me?) Are they like, not in your contacts app, or is the contacts app gone too? … Okay, try swiping left… What about the other way?… Okay, do you know how to turn it off? (I mouth, “How will she talk?” and Deb mouths back, “Land line”) Okay, turn it off and count to ten… (Deb loudly hums the Jeopardy Game theme song) Okay, turn it back on… They are? Oh, I’m so glad!
ME: (giving silent applause and a thumbs up)
DEB: No, that’s fine, glad I could help, see you Sunday!
ME: Honey! You rock!
DEB: I just told her what my husband always tells me — have you tried turning it off and back on again? Being Aunt Norma, I think she’ll remember. Being Aunt Norma, though, I think she’ll remember it for EVERYTHING that goes wrong with her phone from now on. Are you proud of me?
ME: (sitting back down next to Deb on our couch) I am ALWAYS proud of you, my lady! (smooch)
DEB: Thank you, honey!
ME: (looking under coffee table) Are those my shoes? (plain black slip-ons)
DEB: They were an hour ago when you took them off and put them there during dinner. (I look at Deb’s feet; Deb is not wearing shoes)
ME: So the shoes on the stairs were NOT my shoes? (also plain black slip-ons)
DEB: I doubt they were.
ME: And the shoes that I took up when I went up to change and are now in my closet are…?
DEB: Still not your shoes.
ME: Oh… (I am now sad and dejected, coming face-to-face with yet another example of my unrelenting descent into senility)
ME: (I’m over it) Dessert? (I get up to get our usual sugar-free chocolate treats)
DEB: So are you going to tell your gang at work you have an alternate IT troubleshooter if they need one? (pretends to be looking down at a computer while speaking in authoritative voice) Hmmm, not working? Okay, turn it off… now turn it back on… still no good? Okay, hold on, I’ll get one of the boys.
ME: Probably good for at least a third of our trouble tickets, honey!**
Copyright © 2018 by Jack Herlocker; all rights reserved.
*Usually I change into grubby clothes when I get home or when dinner is baking/simmering/frying, but this was a quick dish and I wanted Deb to start eating. I’m the diabetic, but she also has low blood sugar moments.
**When I worked in tech support for a local phone company back in the early 1990s, I would get stopped by people in the hallway. “Hi, can you take a quick look at my computer? It’s not working.” “Okay, but have you called the Help Desk?” “The Help Desk? They’re no good, they just tell me to turn it off and back on again!” “Well, have you done that yet?” (Silence.)
