Conversation with My Wife (146.2)
It’s not too late to buy for… okay, maybe it is
It’s February! I can now make visits to the mailbox for days at a time and not find a single catalog!
Doesn’t help with the backlog, of course.
ME: So we have a “portable DVD player with TV tuner” that’s great for travel. And the photo of it shows a bunch of hip Gen Z folks having a good time, even though they would have to Google “DVD” to find out what that meant and would be totally flummoxed by the concept of “TV tuner.” And the screen size is smaller than a mini-tablet. Who is supposed to be buying this?
DEB: Apparently grandparents who sit in the back of the car on family trips? Oooh, this is for me: “The secret to enjoying a good wine. 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not respond, give it mouth-to-mouth.”
ME: We have a number of friends who already knew that, I suspect. “I’m in a really good place right now. Not emotionally or spiritually. Just on the sofa. With the dog.”
DEB: Don’t mention that one, Dennett will be on our case again to adopt a dog. “I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.” That sums up my average day.
ME: This also sounds like you: “The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.”
DEB: Totally correct statements, Jackster. “If history repeats itself, I am SO getting a dinosaur.” YES!
ME: “I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, and now I have no idea what’s going on.” Hey Siri, what did I tell you about sharing my private moments?
SIRI: Okay, here’s what I found on the Web —
ME: Never mind. Aw! This one is sweet! “When you can’t find the sunshine, BE THE SUNSHINE.”
DEB: But jumping back to cynicism and snark: “My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, ‘For the love of god woman! Eat a salad!’”
ME: “At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.” Adding that one to my final wishes list!
DEB: “Don’t tell me I haven’t got BALLS! I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they’re a lot bigger than YOURS!” Sooo many times I would have used that at my last job…
ME: Or we could have large applicance problems: “I thought the dryer was making my clothes shrink. Turned out it was the refrigerator.”
DEB: Told you we need a new fridge! “Dusted once. It came back. Not falling for THAT again!” So true!
ME: “HEY! Autocorrect! Quit ducking with my swear words, mother forklift, you can go to he’ll!”
DEB: “My husband thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not the one who married me.” Comment, honey?
ME: Love you, Debster! Mean it!
Copyright ©2020 by Jack Herlocker, although, let’s get real, if you stole any of this you wouldn’t be a bigger thief than I am.
