The Junction
Published in

The Junction

Conversation with My Wife (146.3)

Catalogs from Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving… oh look, Halloween!

“A delightful doe and her family,” says the catalog. Or maybe more like a doe thinking, “You shot at us? Now YOU WILL PAY!” while baby fawn thinks, “Mama gonna kick your ass, mofo!” Yup, Happy Holidays from the Ornaments From Hell Collection!

We have a little more time on our hands these days. Deb isn’t rushing off to work (although with a ten-minute commute to a job that didn’t start until 9:00AM, “rush” might be an exaggeration anyway) since her part-time job went on hold during the Trump Pandemic; and the backyard is coming alive with spring, so let’s leaf through the pile of catalogs still left over.

I’m sure you think we’d be all through last year’s catalogs and into the current editions by now. Golly, you’re cute!

DEB: You flagged: “I tried to retire. Now I work for my wife.” Anything you want to talk about, Jackster?

Mr. Sneezy Egg Yolk Separator — yes, it’s a real product

ME: Check this out! Cake pops! Little birthday cakes on lollipop sticks, with mini-candles! Now you can spit all over your cake to blow out the candle and nobody cares. I wonder if that would be a business opportunity for The Solitary Cook during the Trump Pandemic?

DEB: She could use the Mr. Sneezy Egg Yolk Separator; the egg white pours out of the nose of the mug. So bake up a snot-storm AND lose your appetite at the same time!

ME: Our first Easter catalog, with… youth ministry supplies? “He is Risen!” buttons! “He is Risen!” wrist bands! And… a Jesus squishie. You smush him flat and he gradually stands back up, so you can say—

DEB: “I paid three bucks for this piece of junk?” Nope, I’ll pass. Aw, this one has a sweatshirt and t-shirt with a big paw print and “Walk with a friend”! We need to dog-sit again.

ME: Nobody’s going anywhere, Debster, much less leaving the dog behind. “Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.” Okay, yes, that’s retirement, but I have learned to add “Nothing” to my ToDo list, so at least I always get ONE thing checked off.

DEB: “Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in the kitchen tells me I’m fine.” Who’s been telling people about my unicorn?

ME: Not me! “I went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.” Sadly…

DEB: On the same note: “I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to school together.” This is why I scrunch down in the car when we visit my old hometown.

ME: “Glam-ma: a woman whose children have had children, but she is far too young, gorgeous, and glamorous to be called ‘Grandma.’” I was thinking of Ann Litts, but I’m pretty sure she delights in the title of Grandma. Or Nana. Whatever.

A sign for the loo. Also: “Text me if you run out of toilet paper — because I just KNOW you’re on your phone!”

Copyright ©2020 by Jack Herlocker. All rights… y’know, rip off whatever you want, I can’t throw any stones.



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Jack Herlocker

Jack Herlocker

Husband & retiree. Developer, tech writer, & IT geek. I fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches. Occasionally do weird & goofy things.