Conversation with My Wife (179.1)
Hang on, folks, it’s a looooong catalog season and we’re only into November…
We read catalogs at breakfast. And share stuff we find.
DEB: “Common sense. It’s not a gift, it’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.” That’s my last two years at my old job!
ME: Pity it’s a t-shirt, not a desk sign. Oh look, this one has a little doll that kinda looks like Dr. Fauci! Wait… okay, it’s a “Dr. Fauci Bobblehead Collectible” because, apparently, as we approach the end of the year people are looking for fun ways to remember 2020?
DEB: Speaking of our favorite year: “I tried to embrace my inner child today, and the little asshole bit me!” Yep, that fits!
ME: Also: “If 2020 were a drink it would be a colonoscopy prep.”
DEB: “Is whatever the hell this is almost over?” I’d love to say yes, but…
ME: “I miss precedented times.” Every day, it feels like!
DEB: “My moods don’t just swing. They bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate, and occasionally pirouette.” I just like to keep ’em guessing, what can I say?
ME: And here’s one for out grandniece: “So, apparently, I have an attitude!” Well, she’s five, and she’s good at it.
DEB: “I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget, all at the same time!” I’m sorry, did you say something?
ME: So, those turtleneck tops you like because you can pull up the collars to keep your entire neck warm, or even you lower face if you need to? Apparently somebody figured out there was gold in them thar excess fabric. They added an ear hook and voilà! A built-in mask! Who would buy this?
DEB: (looking) Not me, they don’t have my color. Hey, here’s something! Remember we’ve been talking about replacing the runner in our front hallway? This place has one for a nice price, but it has stripes running down it. Wouldn’t that make our hallway look fat?
ME: I would never remark on the weight of a woman’s hallway, Debster! Oh, here’s one for you: “I’m awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.”
DEB: If you wanted me out of bed sooner, Jackster, all you had to do was stop hitting the snooze button. Speaking of buttons: “I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for MUTE.”
ME: “Grandmas are just vintage little girls.” Same for great-aunts, in my humble opinion.
DEB: On that note: “MOM AS MOM: ‘You eat what I make, young lady!’ MOM AS GRANDMA: ‘Would you like your sandwich cut into hearts or stars?’” Soooo many times…
ME: “Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family… They seem like nice people…” I know folks who can relate.
DEB: Remember that thing we got [niece who just gave birth to a daughter]? It’s in this catalog. Only it’s now an “adult diaper disposal system” and it costs fifty percent more.
ME: Um, handles fifty percent more poop? I dunno, honey. Wait, look at this! In the ornament catalog? It’s Forky©¹ from Toy Story 4, and a character made of a plastic spork, scrap pieces, and pipe-cleaners is a $9 ornament. What the actual f—
DEB: I’d tell you to let it go, honey, but then you’d have to use the little circle-c thing again. “Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training.” Told you!
ME: “If by ‘crunches’ you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes, I do crunches.” I knew there was a reason you like crispy bacon!
DEB: Oh look, these are cute! It’s Halloween candy, I guess we need to move faster on these catalogs. But aren’t the truffle eyeballs fun!
ME: Wait… okay, Halloween candy from our local grocery store cost about $5 a pound. This group over here is selling “rich German chocolates” with Halloween foil wrappings for $21 a pound. While these cute eyeballs cost $60 a pound?! And who hands out stuff with a “rich ganache center” to neighborhood kids?
DEB: I don’t think they’re marketing for trick-or-treaters, honey.
ME: Still! I mean—
DEB: 🎵 Let it go! Let it go! 🎵 ©
¹Yes, the name “Forky” is copyrighted. Another fine job from the legal department at Disney.
Copyright ©2020 by Jack Herlocker. Except the Disney parts. And the photos. And the stuff in quotes. Actually, tell you what, take whatever you want and just don’t mention our names, okay?
We do this a lot:
