Conversation with My Wife (179.2)
As the retail sales community continues in its drive to support the US Postal Service through catalog mailings.
We like to read catalogs over breakfast.
DEB: Are we shaving our foil before we use it?
ME: Ummm… no? Why?
Deb points to the catalog in front of her.
DEB: “The Best Gentlemen’s Foil Shaver.” It’s a thing now.
ME: Apparently I’m not a gentleman? Oh, and I can’t do elf cookies.
DEB: Was I asking?
ME: No, but maybe you hadn’t gotten to this catalog yet. It has cookie cutters in the shapes of elves, reindeer, polar bears, and fir trees, which you somehow miraculously turn into cookies that would make Martha Stewart die from envy.
DEB: I saw those, I thought they had too much sugar for you. I did think about this t-shirt for Aunt Norma, though: “I am currently unsupervised. I know! It freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!”
ME: Actually, that would fit both of you when you’re together. Oh, same page, lower: “I do all my own stunts. But never intentionally.” I could wear that when I’m doing yard work?
DEB: I have seen you do awesome recoveries, Jackster. Here you go: “It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over nothing. I have those skills!” On the other hand, here’s me in retirement: “MY BODY IS A TEMPLE. Ancient and crumbling. Probably cursed or haunted.”
ME: On the contrary, my love, you have toned up beautifully since retiring! And dropped thirty pounds!¹ Oh, but here’s something to counter that: a “home moonshine kit. Comes with peach, apple pie, and cherry flavorings; just combine with your favorite grain alcohol.” Wait… the purpose of making moonshine is to get fruity flavors you can’t get with regular vodka? How does that work?
DEB: I thought you were more a rum person? Oh, here’s one for you, honey: “Sometimes understanding what a woman wants is difficult for a man. It’s like trying to figure out what color the number seven smells like.” Am I that hard on you?
ME: Oh! Look! “Bookmarks are for quitters!” That fits you, Debster!
DEB: With some of my mysteries, you bet! Fine, just dodge the question. Ah, here are two that fit me: “Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.” And: “Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom. I’ll keep looking.”
ME: “I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.”
DEB: Puns at breakfast? Really?
ME: (pointing to another t-shirt) “Bad puns are how eye roll.”
DEB: (eye roll) “Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person. But then I laugh and continue my day.” So many reminders of my old job…
ME: And now you can use this one: “FUN FACT: I don’t care.”
DEB: And this fits that: “You think it’s bad now? In twenty years, our country will be run by people who were homeschooled by day drinkers.”
¹She won’t brag about it, but I will on her behalf. For a woman on the north side of 65, she looks AWESOME!²
²DEB: But only because I’m over 65? Otherwise I’d be fat and floppy? <sniff>
Copyright ©2020 by Jack Herlocker. Just change the title when you steal this and nobody gets hurt.
