Conversation with My Wife (179.3)
As the dawn of Christmas approaches like the headlight on a high-speed train in a dark tunnel…
As I bring in the day’s mail…
ME: So, remember when I said that the catalogs didn’t seem as prolific this year?
We keep getting MORE catalogs. Less than three weeks before Christmas. Telling us we need to order NOW, dammit, NOW if we want to get stuff in time.
DEB: And…?
ME: So, knowing that mental fog is one of the symptoms of COVID-19, you didn’t recommend I get tested because why?
DEB: You had your sense of smell and taste, why make trouble? Wait, what are you throwing out?
ME: The gizmo catalog that is identical to the one they sent last week, except the cover, and the outdoor clothing catalog, because we already have all that we need to go outdoors, thanks for thinking of us.
DEB: But you’re keeping the gourmet food catalog and the books catalog?
ME: Well, YEAH! Food porn and book porn, honey, that’s how we roll!
DEB: That’s my Jackster!
Plus we like the oddball stuff with t-shirts and plaques.
ME: “I can’t decide if I need a hug, an XL coffee, 6 shots of vodka, or 2 weeks sleep.” So those are mutually exclusive? Who decides this?
DEB: “I had my patience tested. I’m negative.” Yeah, but I got the results back immediately!
ME: Thought of a comment, not going to say it. “Had a big mix up at the store today. Apparently, when the woman said, ‘Strip down facing me,’ she was referring to my credit card.”
DEB: Is this why you use your smart watch now to pay all the time? “I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.” Wait, didn’t I already see this one?
ME: “On my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.” Possibly since I married you?
DEB: Watch it! “AMBITCHOUS: (adj) The desire to become a better bitch.” Don’t make me exercise my ambitchions!
ME: Here, what’s this supposed to be?
DEB: A tea cozy for people? (reads) “The Personal Sauna.” Close, very close.
ME: Who would pay $300 for a freakin’ quilted electric tent? That lets you read a book or magazine but doesn’t give you any way to put them down without tossing them onto a nearby table that you may or may not have remembered to position properly?
DEB: The price includes a folding chair.
ME: We have one of those, do we get credit?
DEB: On the plus side, honey, we have the perfect home for the gizmo on the next page: “Handheld Cordless Spot Vacuum.” I have personally inspected all the spots in our home, and all of them are cordless!
ME: (holding up a page) So what do these look like?
DEB: Glazed donuts.
ME: I was thinking gray bagels, but I like yours better. Nope, they are “orbit eye stones.” Cool them in the fridge, then “be ready for your day at the spa.” How does that work? And how do you keep them from falling off into The Personal Sauna and getting heated up?
DEB: These are for spa people, honey. We are SO not their customer base. If you don’t know, you shouldn’t buy them.
ME: Hold up a sec, this red thing looks familiar. (rummages through discard pile) Okay, the fancy catalog has one of these “Huggle Hoodies” for $60, while the bargain catalog has the same thing for $30. And the bargain item was seen on TV!
DEB: Apparently 2020 is disorganized enough that the overpriced catalogs and the discount catalogs didn’t coordinate their items? And also in the discount catalog: remember those holiday pillows last year that would light up? They now have pillows and table runners that light up! Oh, and window valences! Actually, the window valences are kinda cute!
ME: So—
DEB: But we don’t need one.
ME: But—
DEB: Seriously. Not even a little bit.
ME: They’re only—
DEB: (rummaging through pile) Where’s that “ambitchous” thing?
If you like this kind of humor, you’ll also like:
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but as Deb says, “It’s the perfect bathroom book!” (She meant that in a very respectful way, Roz, believe me.) It’s a bunch of short to long quotes from women about… well, everything, it seems. Make sure you are securely seated before you start reading.
You might also enjoy our previous catalog conversations:
Copyright ©2020 by Jack Herlocker. And will someone please tell Sh*rp*r Im*ge that any publicity is good publicity? Mostly?
