The Junction
Published in

The Junction

Conversation with My Wife (179.6)

Finishing up Holiday Season 2020–2021 just in time for Ramadan 2021

Anybody remember I made a crack about not getting any Passover catalogs in the mail?

I love the sense of humor of God/Goddess/Universe/They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Because we got a catalog from Zabar’s that had a do-it-yourself Seder kit. Seriously?

Also, you know how, when you get a new catalog, you put it on the bottom of the pile so you aren’t looking at Christmas 2020 stuff in April 2021? Yeah, we should really start doing that at some point.

“Batteries included.” Well of course they are…

ME: I’m not sure how big these things are supposed to be, but if the round candy on the top is in scale, that is a HUGE candy tree to get in somebody’s mouth.

DEB: (looking briefly; she’s seen this one) Those are decorations, Jackster. They light up.

ME: What?! That’s… that’s… evil! Like… like…

DEB: Food-scented candles? Yes, dear.

Fine, she knows my rants by now.

DEB: A toilet paper roll that plays Christmas carols. Sure, because that’s what I want if I’m a guest at someone’s house, toilet paper that starts singing to me while I’m on the can.

ME: At least it won’t startle you before you get into position. Here’s a sign for somebody we know: “Education is important, but BEER is importanter!”

“What did the comma say to the question mark? No, ‘Wait’ did the comma say to the question mark.” Punctuation humor—don’t try this in a catalog that doesn’t cater to NPR/PBS fans.

DEB: I know people who could make a case for that during the pandemic. Oh, here’s a t-shirt: “I am NOT spoiled, my husband just loves me.” If they came in a color other than black I could have a wardrobe of these.

ME: “I am not short! I am compact and ridiculously adorable!” A shirt for—

DEB: Our grand-niece, yup. Something she, her grandmother, and her great-aunt all agree on. “No, I didn’t lose my mind, it got scared and ran away.” Sure feels like it sometimes!

ME: “My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.” A shame that’s a shirt, it would be a great sign for our kitchen.

DEB: “I think I may need professional help. A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.” Okay, there’s you, so that’s my chef, we have [bi-weekly housekeeping service] so that’s my maid, and what does a butler do anyway? I think I’m set!

ME: “Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.” Okay, maybe a little bit since I retired.

It says “Imported,” but it doesn’t say from where. I’m guessing NOT the Republic of Ireland.

DEB: Here, look at this leprechaun. What’s wrong with it?

ME: Four feet tall is off-scale for a leprechaun?

DEB: And?

ME: “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” is backwards?

DEB: And?

ME: Only 17% off is not going to be enough of a sale price to move this thing?

DEB: AND not only is the mug handle in the wrong direction, the mug isn’t even attached to his hand! This is like the poster child for badly-done merchandise!

ME: But only $24.99 while supplies last! Meanwhile, Debster, why did you mark this pack of sympathy cards?

DEB: I send sympathy cards. You know that.

ME: These are for pets. It’s a twelve-pack.

DEB: Uh huh. And?

ME: Nothing, just making conversation.

DEB: Oooooh, look at this!

ME: A pillow with a unicorn? Huh?

DEB: See, if we exchanged holiday presents¹, I’d be easy to buy for, but we’d have lots more dumb stuff to get rid of when we move.

¹We don’t. It’s too hard. Both of us are at the age that when we see something we like, we buy it, because we only have so many years left to enjoy it, and by the time someone gifts it to us we may forget why we wanted it in the first place. We do gag gifts sometimes.

Copyright ©2021 by Jack Herlocker. Except the photos, of course. And some of the captions. And… y’know what, rip off whatever you like, we’ll let the lawyers work it out.

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Jack Herlocker

Jack Herlocker

Husband & retiree. Developer, tech writer, & IT geek. I fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches. Occasionally do weird & goofy things.