Conversation with My Wife (214.2)

It’s beginning to look a lot like… actually, y’know, I think maybe it is

Wild strawberry plant (I think) that turned fall colors. Because: pretty. Photo by author.

DEB: You’re odd this year.

ME: (so what else is new?) Okay.

DEB: I was odd last year.

ME: Ah! Gotcha! (I find the first item for the Advent calendar, labeled “1,” which is, of course, odd; I put it into its place)

DEB: (kisses me) Happy Advent, honey!

Conversation with My Wife (11)

Next day:

ME: And though this is morning, I await the evenstar with you.

DEB: (blinks momentarily, then catches on) Thank you! (takes a star, item #2, which of course is even)

And then we go eat breakfast. And continue to leaf through the catalogs that continue to arrive in the mail continually.

ME: T-shirt: “I’m going to lie down under the tree to remind my family I’m a gift.”

DEB: When we put up the tree, I’m going to hold you to that. “I’m not perfect, but I have a freaking awesome wife, that’s close enough.” There’s a t-shirt for you, Jackster!

ME: I think you’d like this one on me better: “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.”

DEB: And which mistakes were you thinking of, precisely? “If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.” I might get around to getting that one.

ME: I can’t believe this one—this is a smart watch with a still and video camera, customizable watch faces, games, a calculator, and a voice recorder!

You know those bedroom scenes on TV where the L-shaped blanket comes up to the woman’s neck and the man’s chest? Now you can have one too! (And I don’t care what the text says, my first wife would have had both parts before the night was over. As I have tried to explain to people, but I only get as far as, “My ex had some AMAZING skills in bed!” before I get cut off.)

DEB: What’s so—

ME: For seventy bucks! In a kids’ catalog! It’s for little kids! And it has more capabilities than my first smart watch ten years ago!

DEB: But it only has plastic straps. And the colors are blue or pink. So see, that’s why yours was worth paying extra!

ME: And there’s a toy smart phone for $25 and a toy tablet for $30! And they do more than my first PC! Which cost a thousand bucks and didn’t do graphics!

DEB: Yes, dear, life is horribly unfair. Oh, “Parenting! It takes a village! (And a vineyard.)” Well, yes.

ME: “FIRST, I drink the coffee. THEN, I do the things.” Maybe that’s part of my problem?

DEB: No comment. “Having a weird mom builds character.” Do I have character, honey? Hmmm?

ME: And look at this gizmo! You wear it on your wrist, and when you tap on it, your partner/spouse/s.o. with the matched ugly bracelet gets tapped on their wrist. The example they give is, “Tap once for ‘I love you,’ tap twice for ‘Pick up pizza.’” So all you need to do then is pull out the list of what taps mean and decode it. Now if only someone could invent a device that would convey textual information that would not need to be interpreted, but could still be carried with you at all times…

DEB: People like to have options, Jackster. “I’m my dog’s Service Human.” I’m pretty sure that goes without saying.

ME: But we’ll say it anyway. Here you go, Debster: “Sweet old lady? More like Battle Tested Warrior Queen!” That would be you! Or—

DEB: Before you go mentioning names of Medium peeps, honey, remember that you’re calling them “old ladies” in public. Then think of the results. Aw! This one: “Teachers don’t teach for the income. Teachers teach for the outcome.”

We do this a lot at the holidays.

Conversation with My Wife (214.3)

Conversations with My Wife (collection)